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Many people today prefer socializing online to that in the local community do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages v.1

Many people today prefer socializing online to that in the local community do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages v. 1
There are many addictive drugs in the world sold to people. Some of them are illicit drugs that are illegal and very expensive, such as crack cocaine and marijuana. Some individuals argue that tobacco, a drug in cigarettes, should be illegal like the illicit drugs I stated before. I totally agree because this nicotine-rich leaf causes adverse health effects and harm the people who aren't smokers, and smoking-related illness in the U. S cost more than $300 billion every year. Firstly, smoking cigarettes that contain the essence of this plant is very detrimental to your physical well-being. For example, it can cause a variety of illnesses, such as cancer, heart disease, lung diseases, diabetes. Also, secondhand smoke, which is fume from the burning tobacco, is more harmful than the firsthand version, so people who breathe in the air filled with this gas might be at a greater risk for these diseases than the people who emit these fumes in the first place. For example, CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) says that secondhand smoke can cause coronary heart disease, stroke, and lung cancer in adults, and the site also says that it is especially dangerous for infants and children, as it can induce asthma attacks, ear infections, and even sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). This is why smoking is unhealthy for the smokers and the non-smokers. Secondly, smoking related illnesses cost a lot of money in the U. S (over $300 billion). That is the case because for every American who dies due to smoking, at least thirty are living with a serious smoking related illness. If there are more than 480, 000 cigarette deaths annually in the U. S. , then at least 16, 000, 000 Americans are living with a smoking-related disease. Again, the CDC mentions that direct medical care for adults with these ailments cost $170, 000, 000, 000 and the additional $156 billion is for lost productivity due to the employees being exposed to firsthand and secondhand smoke. These illustrate that smoking tobacco can be very costly in health care. To summarize, I strongly agree that tobacco should be illegal because it causes severe health effects and costs a copious amount for health care in the U. S.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
addictive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
in the world sold to
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people
.
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Some
of them are illicit
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drugs
that are illegal and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive, such as crack cocaine and marijuana.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
in cigarettes, should be illegal like the illicit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
I stated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this nicotine-rich leaf
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
adverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
effects and harm the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
aren't smokers, and smoking-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
in the U. S
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
more than $300 billion every year.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
cigarettes that contain the essence of this plant is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
detrimental to your physical well-being.
For example
, it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
, such as cancer, heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
, lung
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
, diabetes.
Also
, secondhand smoke, which is fume from the burning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
, is more harmful than the firsthand version,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
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people
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who
breathe in the air filled with this gas might be at a greater
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
emit these fumes in the
first
place.
For example
, CDC (Centers for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Disease
Control and Prevention) says that secondhand smoke can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
coronary heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
, stroke, and lung cancer in adults, and the site
also
says that it is
especially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for infants and children, as it can induce asthma attacks, ear infections, and even sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). This is why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is unhealthy for the smokers and the non-smokers.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money in the U. S (over $300 billion).
That is
the case
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
for every American
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dies
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
, at least thirty are living with a serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
. If there are more than 480, 000 cigarette deaths
annually
in the U. S.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
then at least 16, 000, 000 Americans are living with a smoking-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
. Again, the CDC mentions that direct medical care for adults with these ailments
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
$170, 000, 000, 000 and the additional $156 billion is for lost productivity due to the employees
being exposed
to firsthand and secondhand smoke. These illustrate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
costly in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care.

To summarize
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
should be illegal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
severe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
effects and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
costs
a copious amount for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care in the U. S.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Many people today prefer socializing online to that in the local community do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
373 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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