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Many people today are worried about young children using video games. What problems might these games cause, for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced? v.2

Many people today are worried about young children using video games. What problems might these games cause, for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced? v. 2
Spending time on video games has become increasingly popular among adolescents. This essay seeks to explore the underlying reasons and will outline potential ways to deal with it. There is a wide range of problems, among which the primary one is the distraction from responsibilities. Being immersed in online games for a prolonged time can be addictive to children, which can lead them to spending a lot of frivolous time in front of the computers, consistently ignoring their school work. For instance, children who are allowed for long screen time are less likely to score an excellent academic score comparing to others. Moreover, this behaviour can cause them to shun all outdoor activities and as a result, they become prone to health issues including vision problems, muscular issues and obesity. Thus, long-term addiction to games can increasingly affect the productivity and health of the society as a whole. Meanwhile, there are few measures that can tackle the aforementioned concern. First of all, parents of such addicted offsprings' should curb their screen usage, gradually, by making them engaged in various outdoor events. Specifically, parents can spend quality time with them, involving in outdoor sports or arranging family games, depending on their preference. Such initiatives not only support these children to improve their physical health, but also improve the family bonding. In addition, the adults can set a good example by limiting their own screen time and avoid gadgets when they interact with children. To conclude, the exposure to game activities are impossible to curb completely in this modern era. Although over-usage of such technologies impact the overall development of young ones, adults' strict supervision and involvement can reverse the adverse consequences of the mentioned epidemic.
Spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has become
increasingly
popular among adolescents. This essay seeks to explore the underlying reasons and will outline potential ways to deal with it.

There is a wide range of problems, among which the primary one is the distraction from responsibilities.
Being immersed
in online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for a prolonged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can be addictive to children, which can lead them to spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
frivolous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of the computers,
consistently
ignoring their school work.
For instance
, children who are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
for long screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
are less likely to score an excellent academic score comparing to others.
Moreover
, this
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
can cause them to shun all outdoor activities and
as a result
, they become prone to health issues including vision problems, muscular issues and obesity.
Thus
, long-term addiction to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
increasingly
affect the productivity and health of the society as a whole.

Meanwhile, there are few measures that can tackle the aforementioned concern.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, parents of such addicted
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
' should curb their screen usage,
gradually
, by making them engaged in various outdoor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
Specifically
, parents can spend quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them, involving in outdoor sports or arranging family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, depending on their preference. Such initiatives not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
support these children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their physical health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the family bonding.
In addition
, the adults can set a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example by limiting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and avoid gadgets when they interact with children.

To conclude
, the exposure to game activities are impossible to curb completely in this modern era. Although over-usage of such technologies impact the
overall
development of young ones, adults' strict supervision and involvement can reverse the adverse consequences of the mentioned epidemic.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
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Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Many people today are worried about young children using video games. What problems might these games cause, for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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