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Many people think that men should go out to work while women place is in the home To what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

Many people think that men should go out to work while women place is in the home v. 2
It is often argued that men should be the breadwinners who should go out to work and earn money for all the incomes of the families and women should become the homemakers. In my opinion, however, I strongly believe that this statement is neither right nor wrong but need to be taken into consideration. On the one hand, men should go out to work due to some major reasons. Firstly, men are often better at physical beings so such jobs as explorers, pilots, firefighters should continued be done by men. In fact, from feudalistic societies, men are often considered to be the breadwinners of the families and women often stay at home to take care of their offspring. On the other hand, I think that both parents work together but it should depend females’ interests and family backgrounds. Females who have a passion for working should be advised pursuing particular careers, especially such jobs as secretaries and receptionists. This would mean that men and women have the access to the same professional opportunities and they will be employed according to their abilities, qualifications and experiences as well as earn equal salaries. At home, fathers and mothers should share their responsibilities including parenting and domestic responsibilities such as childcare, cooking and cleaning. Besides, when men cannot earn enough money for their families, women are more likely to find a job. In conclusion, although many people reckon that only men should work and women should be at home, I personally believe that they can work together but depend on some reasons.
It is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
should be the breadwinners who should go out to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and earn money for all the incomes of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should become the homemakers. In my opinion,
however
, I
strongly
believe that this statement is neither right nor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
need to
be taken
into consideration.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
should go out to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major reasons.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
better at physical beings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
such jobs as explorers, pilots, firefighters should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "continue"
continued
be done
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. In fact, from feudalistic societies,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
considered to be the breadwinners of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
stay at home to take care of their offspring.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that both parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
together
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it should
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depend on".
depend
females’ interests and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
backgrounds. Females who have a passion for working should
be advised
pursuing particular careers,
especially
such jobs as secretaries and receptionists. This would mean that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have the access to the same professional
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
opportunities and
they will
be employed
according to their abilities, qualifications and experiences
as well
as earn equal salaries. At home, fathers and mothers should share their responsibilities including parenting and domestic responsibilities such as childcare, cooking and cleaning.
Besides
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
cannot earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are more likely to find a job.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
reckon that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be at home, I
personally
believe that they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
together
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
depend on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that men should go out to work while women place is in the home v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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