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Some people believe that men and women are equal so women should be able to do any job they want. Others feel that men and women are not equal and therefore there are certain jobs which are not suitable for women. What is your opinion? v.1

Some people believe that men and women are equal so women should be able to do any job they want. Others feel that men and women are not equal and therefore there are certain jobs which are not suitable for women. What is your opinion? v. 1
Equality of males and females are believed by many persons, therefore, they claim, girls should do jobs according to their liking and preferences. But many other people believe that there is a huge difference between both the genders. I firmly believe that, girls and boys are having lots of differences, but still they should have equal social status, as they both are crucial for the society and they should choose the work according to their skills and capabilities. Firstly, nobody can deny from the physical strength of the boys which is quite more than the physical power of the girls. Therefore, it is better for girls if they will not get enrolled in those works which demand heavy lifting and weight. Thus this factor clearly depicts, females are not suitable for heavy lifting and physical hard working jobs, but boys are good for this work. If the ladies will do heavy workload, it will affect worse to their bodies which could lead to bad back pain and disc problem as well. Secondly, mental strength of girls is more immense than boys. Females can provide required attention to more than one work at one time, which males can never do. Boys get bored easily they cannot stick to one place for the whole day. Therefore, office and sedentary jobs are mostly filled by females and they are performing well over there. In conclusion, I reiterate, the power of both the sexes is different and therefore their working field also different, if they will collapse their field if will affect bad for their health and growth, moreover performance will also get affected.
Equality of males and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
persons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
, they claim,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
should do jobs according to their liking and preferences.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that there is a huge difference between both the genders. I
firmly
believe that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
are having lots of differences,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
they should have equal social status, as they both are crucial for the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
society and
they should choose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
according to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and capabilities.

Firstly
, nobody can deny from the physical strength of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
which is quite more than the physical power of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, it is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
if they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
enrolled in those works which demand heavy lifting and weight.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
this factor
clearly
depicts,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are not suitable for heavy lifting and physical
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
jobs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. If the ladies
Consider removing 'will'. (Usually, 'will' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless in the sense 'want to' or 'be willing to'.)
will do
heavy workload, it will affect worse to their bodies which could lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
back pain and disc problem
as well
.

Secondly
, mental strength of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
is more immense than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Females
can provide required attention to more than one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at one time, which males can never do.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Boys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored
easily
they cannot stick to one place for the whole day.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, office and sedentary jobs are
mostly
filled by
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
females and
they are performing well over there.

In conclusion
, I reiterate, the power of both the sexes is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
their working field
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
, if they will collapse their field if will affect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for their health and growth,
moreover
performance will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe that men and women are equal so women should be able to do any job they want. Others feel that men and women are not equal and therefore there are certain jobs which are not suitable for women. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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