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Many people think modern communication technology is having some negative effects on social relationships. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Many people think modern communication technology is having some negative effects on social relationships. v. 3
In the contemporary world, advancements in technology have tremendously changed human's lives up to a great extent. Some people consider that technology in modern communication brings detrimental impacts to social bonds with each other. While I agree with this statement up to a certain extent, on the other hand, I believe that it can bring some of perks to improve the situation as explained in below passage. To begin with, Firstly, digital connections made people socially inactive these days compared to yesteryears. For instance, most of the time children and adults are busy with smartphones or other channels, making virtual relationships than real ones. Half of these can be fake which could bring harm to the humans mentally and later physically. Secondly, poor physical interactions are making people less emotional and this is not a good sign for the community to maintain a peaceful environment. For example, children can be easily exploited and manipulate them to do dangerous actions such as public shootings or damaging to the properties. Thirdly, humans will suffer from health issues such as obesity, diabetes and cardiovascular diseases due to their sedentary lifestyle, their attention to do physical activities are much lesser since they are busy with chatting to others via digital media. On the contrary, virtual connections are not always harmful to the society, it helps to connect with people around the globe. In the past, it was difficult to maintain a relationship with less interaction, but technology advancements made it much simpler with social mediums such as Skype, Whatsapp and Facetime which brings people closer. In addition, modern communication connects people who are in need of help during natural disasters. In conclusion, I believe modern communication technologies are helping to make certain situations better even though there are certain drawbacks in to it. Therefore, its individuals responsibility to use it wisely only to get things better.
In the contemporary world, advancements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
have
tremendously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
human's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
up to a great extent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in modern communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
detrimental impacts to social bonds with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement up to a certain extent, on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I believe that it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
After 'some of', you should use 'the' ("some of the perks") or simply say "some perks".
some of perks
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the situation as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in below passage.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
Firstly
, digital connections made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
socially
inactive these days compared to
Possible spelling mistake found.
yesteryears
.
For instance
, most of the time children and adults are busy with smartphones or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
channels, making virtual relationships than real ones. Half of these can be fake which could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
harm to the humans mentally and later
physically
.
Secondly
, poor physical interactions are making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
less emotional and this is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
for the community to maintain a peaceful environment.
For example
, children can be
easily
exploited and manipulate them to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
actions such as public shootings or damaging to the properties.
Thirdly
, humans will suffer from health issues such as obesity, diabetes and cardiovascular diseases due to their sedentary lifestyle, their attention to do physical activities are much lesser since they are busy with chatting to others via digital media.

On the contrary
, virtual connections are not always harmful to the society, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to connect with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the globe. In the past, it was difficult to maintain a relationship with less interaction,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
advancements made it much simpler with social mediums such as Skype,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Whatsapp
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Facetime
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
closer.
In addition
, modern communication connects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are in need of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
during natural disasters.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, I believe modern communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
are helping to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
certain situations better
even though
there are certain drawbacks in to it.
Therefore
, its individuals responsibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
wisely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
things better.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Many people think modern communication technology is having some negative effects on social relationships. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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