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Some people think that the government wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view? v.2

Some people think that the government wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. v. 2
Art reflects the heritage of the country and the creativity of an individual. While some believe that allocating budget to arts by the government is a waste of wealth because they feel there are many important issues to resolve first before putting emphasize to art. I am of the opposite view as I completely believe that financing in art is a good idea for the government. There are some justifications by the people who oppose spending on promoting the arts. First of all, available monetary resources could be put to use in building more schools, hospitals, and infrastructure. More hospitals assure increased care of sick people and improve health index of the country. Likewise, schools promote the literacy rate of the country. For example, the disease of tuberculosis continues to affect thousands of health even today. If the government has diverted some of the funds in arts to these areas, India would have a stronger young generation. Moreover, they believe art is not a critical factor for human sustainability. However, I still support that the government should allocate budget for the arts. Art is the part of the culture which become the identity of the nation if the culture is strong enough, eventually, it becomes a major source of income. For example, Bali is an island in Indonesia, where millions of visitors come every year to experience the combination of conventional values and modern lifestyle. The government of India allocates more than a third of their budget on traditional art. Furthermore, art makes life more beautiful. Just imagine how empty the room would be if there is no painting on the wall! It also empowers people to possess beautiful imagination To conclude, supporting art is important for the government as it would enhance the quality of life by improving the tourism industry, tourism in turns generates employment and revenue to the country.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
reflects the heritage of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and the creativity of an individual. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that allocating budget to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is a waste of wealth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issues to resolve
first
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
putting emphasize to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. I am of the opposite view as I completely believe that financing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
justifications by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who oppose spending on promoting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, available monetary resources could
be put
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in building more schools, hospitals, and infrastructure. More hospitals assure increased care of sick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
health index of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Likewise
, schools promote the literacy rate of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
For example
, the disease of tuberculosis continues to affect thousands of health even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has diverted
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
funds in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
to these areas, India would have a stronger young generation.
Moreover
, they believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is not a critical factor for human sustainability.

However
, I
still
support that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should allocate budget for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
is the part of the culture which become the identity of the nation if the culture is strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
,
eventually
, it becomes a major source of income.
For example
, Bali is an island in Indonesia, where millions of visitors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
every year to experience the combination of conventional values and modern lifestyle. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
of India allocates more than a third of their budget on traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
life more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
imagine how empty the room would be if there is no painting on the wall! It
also
empowers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to possess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
imagination


To conclude
, supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
as it would enhance the quality of life by improving the tourism industry, tourism in turns generates employment and revenue to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the government wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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