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Many people have the habit of shoping rely on according to their age group. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Many people have the habit of shoping rely on according to their age group. v. 2
The shopping habits among people is expected to be different according to their age. While this may be true, many argues other factors like advertisment is more significant for one to inclined into buying habitual. In my opinion, I agree with the formal and believe the age to be the prime factor. As a individual grows old, they tends to make more conscious decisions whearas young adults and teenagers make compulsive decisions. This level of difference in thinking mechanism assists adults to make smart purchase like buying clothes learning about the fabric or durability of a electronic device. However, a young immature often buys branded clothes and make unnecessary purchase of new phones on trending. In addition, kids and teenagers spends more money for entertainment. For example, the kids are the main targeted customers of game playing electronic devices like psp and xbox. Furthermore, these people are susceptible to peer pressure. Generally, people above 30 are seen to spend more money on educational benefits like books and limiting the compulsive habit of seeking fun or entertainment like a kid on regular basis, which provides clear evidence shopping habits are related to age group. Yet many argues the main factor to be the adverts because it is influencing people from all age groups into buying things. Now more than ever due to the advertising is done through social media sites audience are manipulated to buy stuffs controlling the shopping habit. Perhaps the young adults are the main victim of such ads as it can be seen it has very little influence on matured people as they are not buying expensive branded clothes or changing their iPhone every 3 months. To conclude, other factors like advertisement might have little impact on one' s shopping habit but still age group dictates it. In my opinion, it is largely due to the experience and maturity.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
according to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. While this may be true,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
argues other factors like
Possible spelling mistake found.
advertisment
is more significant for one to inclined into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
habitual. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the formal and believe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
to be the prime factor.

As
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
individual grows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "tend"
tends
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
more conscious decisions
Possible spelling mistake found.
whearas
young adults and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
compulsive decisions. This level of difference in thinking mechanism assists adults to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
smart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
clothes learning about the fabric or durability of
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
electronic device.
However
, a young immature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buys
branded clothes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
of new phones on trending.

In addition
, kids and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
spends more money for entertainment.
For example
, the kids are the main targeted customers of game playing electronic devices like
Possible spelling mistake found.
psp
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
xbox
.
Furthermore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are susceptible to peer pressure.
Generally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
above 30 are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to spend more money on educational benefits like books and limiting the compulsive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
of seeking fun or entertainment like a kid on regular basis, which provides
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
evidence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
are related
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group.

Yet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
argues the main factor to be the adverts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is influencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
things.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
more than ever due to the advertising
is done
through social media sites audience
are manipulated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
stuffs controlling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
. Perhaps the young adults are the main victim of such ads as it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
influence on matured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as they are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
expensive branded clothes or changing their iPhone every 3 months.

To conclude
, other factors like advertisement might have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
impact on
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group dictates it. In my opinion, it is
largely
due to the experience and maturity.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many people have the habit of shoping rely on according to their age group. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
311 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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