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Many people these days choose to work abroad after graduation. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages. v.2

Many people these days choose to work abroad after graduation. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages. v. 2
The tendency of working overseas after graduation is increasingly prevalent to the young generation. In my opinion, while there are certain benefits, its drawbacks are more significant. As the world has been globalized, people prefer working in a foreign country, and this could have a positive effect on people’s lives to some extent. Being able to work overseas, people can make friends with foreigners so they could build a stronger social relationship, which can be easily achieved by actively communicating with others. Furthermore, so-called relationships facilitate people to perform better in the workplace as the behaviors of other colleagues are the primary influence. It means that if people are working with those who are punctual and disciplined, they will be easily affected by these manners. However, apart from the benefits expressed above, I believe that the option of working abroad is perhaps even more damaging because of the effect of language barriers. Individuals, who work in a foreign country, often find it extremely difficult to express their thoughts and feelings as a result of talking different languages. For example, in a discussion, if ones are not proficient at speaking English or any foreign language, they might not make a contribution or point out any mistakes from others. This hurdle is also associated with reduced quality and performance among people at work. Another disadvantage caused by language barriers is that this difficulty could make foreigners misunderstand what people say in some contexts. This leads to reduced human interaction among people. In conclusion, although the option of working aboard is becoming popular among people today, I believe that the downsides of this trend would overshadow the benefits.
The tendency of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
overseas after graduation is
increasingly
prevalent to the young generation. In my opinion, while there are certain benefits, its drawbacks are more significant.

As the world has
been globalized
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in a foreign country, and this could have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. Being able to work overseas,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with foreigners
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they could build a stronger social relationship, which can be
easily
achieved by
actively
communicating with others.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called relationships facilitate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to perform better in the workplace as the behaviors of other colleagues are the primary influence. It means that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with those who are punctual and disciplined, they will be
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by these manners.

However
, apart from the benefits expressed above, I believe that the option of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
abroad is perhaps even more damaging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
barriers. Individuals, who work in a foreign country,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
find it
extremely
difficult to express their thoughts and feelings
as a result
of talking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
.
For example
, in a discussion, if ones are not proficient at speaking English or any foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, they might not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a contribution or point out any mistakes from others. This hurdle is
also
associated with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
quality and performance among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at work. Another disadvantage caused by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
barriers is that this difficulty could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
foreigners misunderstand what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
contexts. This leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
human interaction among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, although the option of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
aboard is becoming popular among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, I believe that the downsides of this trend would overshadow the benefits.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people these days choose to work abroad after graduation. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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