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Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family life at the same time. What problems can this situation create? What are the possible solutions? v.9

Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family life at the same time. What problems can this situation create? What are the possible solutions? v. 9
Nowadays, people are highly ambitious towards their career while maintaining their healthy lifestyle. There is no doubt that it is not an easy task and it required lots of efforts and will-power.   Therefore, this has led to various issues such as lack of attention in home chores, avoiding responsibilities etc. However, keeping a balance between office and home life could dramatically change the situation. The problems arise when people start avoiding taking interest for home and they start focusing mainly on their career growth. By this I mean that their primary focus of interest shifted from home to office work. Furthermore, lack of attention towards family could create isolation in the family that will have dire consequences on children. The competitive job responsibilities and enhanced working time are also contributing to the lack of attention many people put for their family. However, sharing responsibilities, cooperating with each other would definitely help in these circumstances. The best possible solution is to make a balance in their lives by giving proper time and attentions on both sides. Cooperation and adjustment within family members would leave an undeniable impression on their lives. Moreover, by dividing responsibilities and sharing tasks will ensure a smooth running of matters. Women can also play a pivotal role by supporting their husbands in different aspects of life. Their participation and interest is a key for happy life. To sum up, I would like to say that great achievements always come with sacrifices. However, by getting support from family and peer group help in getting the desired result. Therefore, individuals should keep striving for bright future while continuing happy and healthy relations at home.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
highly
ambitious towards their career while maintaining their healthy lifestyle. There is no doubt that it is not an easy task and it required lots of efforts and will-power.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Therefore
, this has led to various issues such as lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
in home chores, avoiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
etc.
However
, keeping a balance between office and home life could
dramatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the situation.

The problems arise when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
avoiding taking interest for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
home and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
focusing
mainly
on their career growth. By this I mean that their primary focus of interest shifted from home to office work.
Furthermore
, lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
could create isolation in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
that will have dire consequences on children. The competitive job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
and enhanced working time are
also
contributing to the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
put for their family.

However
, sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
, cooperating with each other would definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in these circumstances. The best possible solution is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a balance in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
by giving proper time and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attentions
on both sides. Cooperation and adjustment within
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
an undeniable impression on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
, by dividing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
and sharing tasks will ensure a smooth running of matters. Women can
also
play a pivotal role by supporting their husbands in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects of life. Their participation and interest is a key for happy life.

To sum up, I would like to say that great achievements always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with sacrifices.
However
, by getting support from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and peer group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in getting the desired result.
Therefore
, individuals should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
striving for bright future while continuing happy and healthy relations at home.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family life at the same time. What problems can this situation create? What are the possible solutions? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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