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Many people say smoking should be banned and some say it is not a good idea. What is your opinion on this? v.2

Many people say smoking should be banned and some say it is not a good idea. What is your opinion on this? v. 2
Banning smoking is a controversial issue as many people strongly support this ban while others disagree with it. It has been around for centuries and in many countries public smoking is prohibited and against the law while it is open in many other countries. There are discussions and arguments whether smoking should be banned completely or not. First of all, smoking is detrimental to health. It causes lung cancer which ultimately leads to death. It might take long time to show symptoms but it always happens. Secondly, it is a waste of money as smokers spend a lot of money on cigarette. Addiction to smoking leads to addiction to marijuana, yaba etc. Eventually, the addicted people get involved in different types of crimes. They start collecting money by stealing, lying and robbing and the severity of the crime keeps on increasing. Moreover, smoking not only harm the smoker but also people around them. Recent studies on smoking suggest that passive smoking is as harmful as active smoking. On the contrary, tobacco industry is the source of huge tax for government. Government makes best utilization of the tax money by building schools, mosques, overhaul streets etc. Thousands of people work in cigarette related industries and this creates a huge job opportunities. If smoking is banned completely, these people will become unemployed. Another vague benefit of smoking is that smokers believe smoking refreshes their minds and relieves them from tension and stress, though it has not been scientifically proved. Some people think that banning smoking is like imposing restriction on people's freedom and they completely oppose the idea of imposing restrictions on smoking. Up to this point of view, we see that there are opinions for and against the banning of smoking. I believe, government should think rationally and wisely before they make any decision about prohibiting smoking. Personally I believe that public smoking should be prohibited and any violation of this rule should be penalized but complete ban on smoking should be made slowly and with proper planning.
Banning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is a controversial issue as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
strongly
support this ban while others disagree with it. It has been around for centuries and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is prohibited
and against the law while it is open in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other countries. There are discussions and arguments whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should
be banned
completely or not.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is detrimental to health. It causes lung cancer which
ultimately
leads to death. It might take long time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
symptoms
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it always happens.
Secondly
, it is a waste of
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money
as smokers spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on cigarette. Addiction to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
leads to addiction to marijuana,
Possible spelling mistake found.
yaba
etc.
Eventually
, the addicted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of crimes. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
collecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by stealing, lying and robbing and the severity of the crime
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
on increasing.
Moreover
,
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smoking
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
harm the smoker
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around them. Recent studies on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
suggest that passive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is as harmful as active smoking.

On the contrary
, tobacco industry is the source of huge tax for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
A determiner is probably missing here: "makes the best".
makes best
utilization of the tax
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by building schools, mosques, overhaul streets etc. Thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work in cigarette related industries and this creates a huge job opportunities. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is banned
completely, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will become unemployed. Another vague benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is that smokers believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
refreshes their minds and relieves them from tension and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, though it has not been
scientifically
proved.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that banning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is like imposing restriction on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
freedom and
they completely oppose the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of imposing restrictions on smoking.

Up to this point of view, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that there are opinions for and against the banning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
. I believe,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
rationally
and
wisely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
any decision about prohibiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
.
Personally
I believe that public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should
be prohibited
and any violation of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
should
be penalized
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
complete ban on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should
be made
slowly
and with proper planning.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Many people say smoking should be banned and some say it is not a good idea. What is your opinion on this? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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