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We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbersof male and female workers in every department or area of the company. v.1

We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbersof male and female workers in every department or area of the company. v. 1
Nowadays, there are 24 hour news and entertainment channels. And then there is the internet where news breaks every second. The media needs news, that is why the media focuses on celebrities lives and famous people. There are so many people who admire celebrities, want to know how they live, rather want to become like them. In advance media is building a bridge between celebrities and their fans. Although the majority of people prefer knowing about the lives of the common man, I strongly support this statement. At this time Media helps in bridging the gap between a star and a common man. Some experiences and stories of stars can prove to be inspiring for the common person. For example, a celebrity who fought back the cancer. This became a source of inspiration for many who found themselves in similar positions. Showing the lives of their stars also proves to be motivating for many people. There have been cases when people truly worked hard to become like their favourite celebrities. On the other hand the real problem begins when the media try to over show the lives of celebrities. Talking about their relationships. The first effect is that the private lives were affected so they cannot do normal things like hang out with friends, go shopping, etc. Moreover, celebrities will not feel comfortable when they are followed everywhere by paparazzi, and it also happens that the media forget about common people when they achieves something with great effort, but media still showing celebrity's life instead of them, which it is the cause of disheartening common people. Evidently. It is good to show the lives of celebrities but only to an extent where it could be motivating for the common man, and also common people must be given this chance to be announced when they claim a great achievement or great misery
Nowadays, there are 24 hour news and entertainment channels. And then there is the internet where news breaks every second. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
needs news,
that is
why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
focuses on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who admire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
, want to know how they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
,
rather
want to become like them. In advance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is building a bridge between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and their fans. Although the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer knowing about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
, I
strongly
support this statement.

At this time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in bridging the gap between a star and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
experiences and stories of stars can prove to be inspiring for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
person.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
who fought back the cancer. This became a source of inspiration for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
who found themselves in similar positions. Showing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of their stars
also
proves to be motivating for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. There have been cases when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
truly
worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to become like their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
celebrities.

On the other hand
the real problem
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
try to over
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. Talking about their relationships. The
first
effect is that the private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they cannot do normal things like hang out with friends, go shopping, etc.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
will not feel comfortable when they
are followed
everywhere by paparazzi, and it
also
happens that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
forget about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
when they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "achieve"
achieves
something with great effort,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
still
showing celebrity's life
instead
of them, which it is the cause of disheartening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Evidently
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to an extent where it could be motivating for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
, and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
this chance to
be announced
when they claim a great achievement or great
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
misery
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbersof male and female workers in every department or area of the company. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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