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Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? v.6

Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? v. 6
At the present, there are many extreme activities to choose. Some people might think that those activities would be too harmful and don't understand the reasons why they still do those adventure activities. In my view, I believe that they might have a reason to do those activities for getting away their boring lives. However, I seem to disagree that extreme activities are good trends. To begin with, people doing extreme activities might want to get away from their routine habits. They might be exhausted from their stressful working as a result of competitive workplace. So they need some activities to stress out their work. Although the people of this century have many entertainments to serve such as social media, online streaming or video games. Those entertainments may not help some people to relieve their pressure. Furthermore, extreme activities would help people close to nature. Most of those activities require people to be in those places such as forests, mountains, or oceans. Those places have a peaceful environment which would help them relax. For example, Trail running becomes a popular activity for Thai office men and women. They are more likely to attend those events rather than going to gyms because they feel that they would enjoy their scenic view while they are running. Besides, they could have a fresh air in natural place compared with air in polluted cities. Even thought those activities may become a more attractive choice for people, there is some drawback on this trend as well. Safety should be the first priority to those adventure activities, However, some people might neglect to strictly follow those instructions. They are not aware of the risks which they might get injuries or even died from those careless minds. For instance, Diving scuba is one of the most extreme activities in Thailand. There are many travel agents to serve those needs. However, some of them ignore the safety concerns or requiring Diving certifications before joining the activities. There are many news reporting that Thai people get injuries from inappropriate diving activities and Thai government are now issuing the law to have more control of this activity. To sum up, those activities might help people relaxing from their stressful life and make people enjoy their nature. But Those activities might be a bad trend because there are a great risk to safety from an unstandardized travel agent or ignoring the safety instructions from those joiner.
At the present, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to choose.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
would be too harmful and don't understand the reasons why they
still
do those adventure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. In my view, I believe that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have a reason to do those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for getting away their boring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
However
, I seem to disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
trends.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
away from their routine habits. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be exhausted
from their stressful working
as a result
of competitive workplace.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
out their work. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of this century have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
entertainments to serve such as social media, online streaming or video games. Those entertainments may not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to relieve their pressure.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
close to nature. Most of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be in those places such as forests, mountains, or oceans. Those places have a peaceful environment which would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them relax.
For example
, Trail running becomes a popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
for Thai office
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women. They are more likely to attend those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
rather
than going to gyms
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel that they would enjoy their scenic view while they are running.
Besides
, they could have a fresh air in natural place compared with air in polluted cities.

Even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
may become a more attractive choice for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawback on this trend
as well
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Safety
should be the
first
priority to those adventure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
neglect to
strictly
follow those instructions. They are not aware of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
which they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
injuries or even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
from those careless minds.
For instance
, Diving scuba is one of the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in Thailand. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
travel agents to serve those needs.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
concerns or requiring Diving certifications
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
joining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. There are
Possible agreement error. The noun news seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much news", "a good deal of news".
many news
reporting that Thai
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
injuries from inappropriate diving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and Thai
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
issuing the law to have more control of this activity.

To sum up, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
relaxing from their stressful life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy their nature.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
trend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
from an unstandardized travel agent or ignoring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
instructions from
Did you mean "this joiner" or "those joiners"?
those joiner
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
405 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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