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Nowadays, young people admire sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.1

Nowadays, young people admire sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 1
Although top sports athletes are often poor role models, they gain the admiration of billions of Youngsters. This is overall a negative trend for the young generation and society despite one single Benefit it may bring about. I think this trend could be profitable only if the young disregard the negative and focus on the Positive aspects of sports stars’ lives. Cristiano Ronaldo, a world-class central forward, for example, is Infamous for his extreme individualism, but is still a role model of diligence and determination for all The efforts he has exerted in football training. Many adolescents who are Ronaldo’s fans have Overlooked his undesirable personal traits and trained themselves hard to achieve extraordinary Results in their lives. In this way, the young may still benefit from the sports stars’ valuable life lessons. However, I contend that this is generally an adverse trend because with the majority of youngsters, it May lead to unpleasant consequences. This is because the young could be immature and they may Imitate all the actions of the stars, irrespective of whether these actions are beneficial or not. What These young people may copy may range from a materialistic lifestyle, an individualistic way of living To more problematic behaviours such as sexism, racism and discrimination. These outcomes are Negative not only for the juveniles themselves, but for society as a whole in the future. All the existing data provide a concrete foundation that even though youngsters may learn some Useful life experiences from top athletes who do not set good examples, the proclivity of admiring And imitating these stars may result in a wide range of adverse effects and thus is a negative issue in Today’s society.
Although top sports athletes are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
poor role models, they gain the admiration of billions of

Youngsters. This is
overall
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation and society despite one single

Benefit it may bring about.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this trend could be profitable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
disregard the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
and focus on the

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Positive
aspects of sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Cristiano Ronaldo, a world-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
central forward,
for example
, is

Infamous for his extreme individualism,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
is
still
a role model of diligence and determination for all

The efforts he has exerted in football training.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
adolescents who are Ronaldo’s fans have

Overlooked his undesirable personal traits and trained themselves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve extraordinary

Results in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. In this way, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
may
still
benefit from the sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars’
valuable life lessons.

However
, I contend that this is
generally
an adverse trend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
with the majority of youngsters,
Possible mistake. Please verify.
it May
The singular proper name 'May' must be used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "leads", "leaded", "led".
lead
to unpleasant consequences. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
could be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
immature and
they may

Imitate all the actions of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
, irrespective of whether these actions are beneficial or not. What

These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may copy may range from a materialistic lifestyle, an individualistic way of living

To more problematic
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
such as sexism, racism and discrimination. These outcomes are

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Negative
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the juveniles themselves,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for society as a whole in the future.

All the existing data provide a concrete foundation that
even though
youngsters may learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some


Useful life experiences from top athletes who do not set
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
examples, the proclivity of admiring

And imitating these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
may result in a wide range of adverse effects and
thus
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
issue in

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
’s society.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Nowadays, young people admire sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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