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Many people in these days get goods and service immediately. Why this happen? And whether it is positive and negative development? v.1

Many people in these days get goods and service immediately. Why this happen? And whether it is positive and negative development? v. 1
Nowadays, with all the technologies in the modern life Children are spending a lot of their time in front of the television. Some people think television have negative impacts on children education level as it not consider as a replacement of the learning tool. I totally agree with this. This essay will discuss the negative sides of using television as a learning tool followed by a conclusion. To start with, there are several negative impacts of using television as learning tool. Firstly, spending a long period of time watching television could negatively impact the physical health of children. Due to this, watching television could negatively affect the vision health. For example, many children using the television as learning tool have health issues such as vision issues or nick problem due to spending a long time watching television. Secondly, spending a long period of time watching television could negatively impact the mental health of children. Because watching television could cause an addictive issues. In addition, television can not be a replace of books in the education system because it is not accessible all the time. This is because books are portable and accessible everywhere and anytime. For instance, students could hold books with them and they can read from it anytime. Moreover, books provide reliable sources of information. As a result, using books in education gives the students accurate information. In conclusion, using television as an education tool cannot consider as a replacement of books. Since books are portable and does not cause any health or mental problems. So the education system should use books as a permanent education.
Nowadays, with all the technologies in the modern life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are
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spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
their
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time
in front of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
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television
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
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impacts
on
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children
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education
level as it not
Did you mean "considers"?
consider
as a replacement of the
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learning
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tool
. I
totally
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agree
with this. This essay will discuss the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
sides of using
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television
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
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tool
followed by a conclusion.

To
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start
with, there are several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
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impacts
of using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tool
.
Firstly
,
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spending
a long period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
watching
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television
could
negatively
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
the physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Due to this, watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
could
negatively
affect the vision
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health
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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children
using the
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television
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tool
have
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health
issues such as vision issues or nick problem due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
Secondly
,
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spending
a long period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
could
negatively
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
the mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
could cause an addictive
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "issue"?
issues
.

In addition
,
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television
can not be a
The word 'replace' is a verb. Did you mean the noun "replacement"?
replace
of
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books
in the
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education
system
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because
it is not accessible all the
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time
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
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books
are portable and accessible everywhere and anytime.
For instance
, students could hold
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
with
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they can read from it anytime.
Moreover
,
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books
provide reliable sources of information.
As a result
, using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
gives the students accurate information.

In conclusion
, using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
as an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tool
cannot consider as a replacement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
are portable and does not cause any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
or mental problems.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
as a permanent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Many people in these days get goods and service immediately. Why this happen? And whether it is positive and negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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