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Some people consider price as most important thing to think about when buying product (such as cell phone) or service (e. g medical treatment). Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people consider price as most important thing to think about when buying product (such as cell phone) or service (e. g medical treatment). v. 2
Many people believe that actors, athletes and musicians in some countries are overpaid nowadays. I personally agree with the statement since there are other occupations which are more important and vital to human beings, especially senior politicians. Due to the fact that a portion of entertainers such as movie stars, pop singers or professional sports players is highly paid. It can be seen from their night lifestyles, luxurious properties and sports cars. A field of people believes that they are overpaid since the function of their jobs is only to entertain the public and it is not categorized as vital jobs. Furthermore, there are some celebrities who are popular with their achievements as well as bad behaviour. Take Connor Mccregor as an example. In fact, he is on the top of 10 sportsmen who earn a piece of money, compared to other occupations. Moreover, he has some bad behavioural in front of people and drinking habits which young people try to follow. Secondly, as a leader of a nation, the president, prime minister and other senior politicians have a property of responsibilities. They must be meticulous, prudent and wise in taking decisions, since their decisions might have a serious impact on the public. And then, becoming a country's leader also faces the terror of being murdered or kidnapped by terrorists. Therefore, these professions should be well compensated in accordance with the risk and responsibilities. In conclusion, although celebrities had been paid higher salaries than other professions these days, I do believe that entertainments are not the basic need of human beings, and senior politicians should be highly paid since they are high risk and essential for mankind.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that actors, athletes and musicians in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are overpaid nowadays. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement since there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
occupations which are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and vital to human beings,
especially
senior politicians.

Due to the fact that a portion of entertainers such as movie stars, pop singers or professional sports players is
highly
paid. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from their night lifestyles, luxurious properties and sports cars. A field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believes that they are overpaid since the function of their jobs is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to entertain the public and it is not categorized as vital jobs.
Furthermore
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
celebrities who are popular with their achievements
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Take Connor
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mccregor
as an example. In fact, he is on the top of 10 sportsmen who earn a piece of money, compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
occupations.
Moreover
, he has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
in front of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and drinking habits which young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to follow.

Secondly
, as a leader of a nation, the president, prime minister and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
senior politicians have a property of responsibilities. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be meticulous, prudent and wise in taking decisions, since their decisions might have a serious impact on the public. And then, becoming a country's leader
also
faces the terror of
being murdered
or kidnapped by terrorists.
Therefore
, these professions should be well compensated in accordance with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
and responsibilities.

In conclusion
, although celebrities had
been paid
higher salaries than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions these days, I do believe that entertainments are not the basic need of human beings, and senior politicians should be
highly
paid since they are high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
and essential for mankind.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Some people consider price as most important thing to think about when buying product (such as cell phone) or service (e. g medical treatment). v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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