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Many people feel that urban environments are more unhealthy than they have ever been. What do you think are the main causes of this problem? What measures can be effective in tackling this problem? v.2

Many people feel that urban environments are more unhealthy than they have ever been. What do you think are the main causes of this problem? What measures can be effective in tackling this problem? v. 2
In recent centuries, structure of cities, especially metropolitan cities, has dramatically changed due to the growing industry sector. This shifting has caused traffic jam and environmental pollutions, which has led to experience an unhealthily activity. I am of the opinion that these results can be handily tackled with some easy methods. Initially, a serious issue such as an unhealthy urban activity is mainly created by environmental pollution. One of the most significant drives of environmental pollution is definitely industrialization. Factories without filter systems emit harmful gases into the air and release detrimental oils into the water resources; therefore, pollutions have become inevitable. Another occasion is a traffic jam that has contributed to the unhealthy urban growth problem. Most people prefer to live in favourable cities for job opportunities, but this might have triggered a bottleneck consequence. As a result, urban cities have turned into unhealthier places than ever before. However, in order to bring a solution to the issue of unhealthy urban life, it could be a practical idea to filter and control factories. Governments could be in charge to filter factory chimneys and should ban release of harmful liquids into water resources. Owing to making these resolutions real, pollutions of environment can be dealt with readily. In addition, these solutions could provide a healthy and clean heart style in urban. On the other hand, another problem, traffic jam, can easily be solved by providing people with jobs in the countryside. Serving appealing facilities to city people in the rural area might be a suggestible idea to decrease populations in cities. In conclusion, the problem of urban soul that is unhealthy nowadays can be solved by two effective solutions which are dealing with environmental problems and preventing bottleneck.
In recent centuries, structure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
,
especially
metropolitan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, has
dramatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
due to the growing industry sector. This shifting has caused traffic jam and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollutions
, which has led to experience an
You used an adverb ('unhealthily') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('activity') instead of another adjective.
unhealthily activity
. I am of the opinion that these results can be
handily
tackled with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
easy methods.

Initially
, a serious issue such as an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
activity is
mainly
created by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
. One of the most significant drives of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
is definitely industrialization. Factories without filter systems emit harmful gases into the air and release detrimental oils into the water resources;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollutions
have become inevitable. Another occasion is a traffic jam that has contributed to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
growth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. Most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
for job opportunities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this might have triggered a bottleneck consequence.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have turned into unhealthier places than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

However
, in order to bring a solution to the issue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
life, it could be a practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to filter and control factories.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
could be in charge to filter factory chimneys and should ban release of harmful liquids into water resources. Owing to making these resolutions real,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollutions
of environment can
be dealt
with
readily
.
In addition
, these solutions could provide a healthy and clean heart style in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
.
On the other hand
, another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, traffic jam, can
easily
be solved
by providing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with jobs in the countryside. Serving appealing facilities to city
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the rural area might be a suggestible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to decrease populations in cities.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
urban
soul
that is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
nowadays can
be solved
by two effective solutions which are dealing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and preventing bottleneck.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people feel that urban environments are more unhealthy than they have ever been. What do you think are the main causes of this problem? What measures can be effective in tackling this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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