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Many people believe that young people enjoy life more than older people do. v.1

Many people believe that young people enjoy life more than older people do. v. 1
To begin with, in the wake of available alternatives nowadays, adolescences live a life, which allows them to explore and learn. Youngsters have handy and useful options such as the internet, social media, high-resolution video games, shopping malls, where they can hang out with friends and enjoy anytime. For an instance, as per a report from a leading advertisement agency, 90% parents agreed that children have numerous viable options to engage in, which were not possible in pre-globalization era. Moreover, technological gadgets and social media are majorly intricate to use for old people. Thus, aged people cannot utilise these entertainment mediums and enjoy. In addition,   youngsters of the twenty-first century are adventurous and they have a proclivity to perform various extreme sports. In other words, adults participate in high voltage sports such as jumping, skating, paragliding etc. , which is never possible for old people.   It can be confirmed by a survey done by extreme sports body in the USA. As per the survey, 90% of the adventure sports are executing only because of people less than 30 years of age. Evidently, aged people are not capable and fit enough to enjoy these sports. Biologically young people have a sound body and much enthusiasm than the people in old ages. The sound body and inquisitive mind are two main ingredients to lead a happy and enjoyable life. In this regard, young people lead a better life than older people. To sum up, I am convinced that technological development and adventure sports have opened multiple new avenues of entertainment for youngsters, which are not feasible for the old people to participate in. Thus, young adults have more alternatives to lead an entertaining life and they utilise it overwhelmingly.
To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in the wake of available alternatives nowadays, adolescences
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to explore and learn. Youngsters have handy and useful options such as the internet, social media, high-resolution video games, shopping malls, where they can hang out with friends and enjoy anytime. For an instance, as per a report from a leading advertisement agency, 90% parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that children have numerous viable options to engage in, which were not possible in
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-globalization
era.
Moreover
, technological gadgets and social media are
majorly
intricate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Thus
, aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
these entertainment mediums and enjoy.

In addition
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
youngsters of the twenty-
first
century are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
adventurous and
they have a proclivity to perform various extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
In other words
, adults participate in high voltage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as jumping, skating, paragliding etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
which is never possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
It can
be confirmed
by a survey done by extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
body in the USA. As per the survey, 90% of the adventure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are executing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
less than 30 years of age.
Evidently
, aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not capable and fit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to enjoy these sports.

Biologically
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a sound body and much enthusiasm than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
ages. The sound body and inquisitive mind are two main ingredients to lead a happy and enjoyable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In this regard, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lead a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
than older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To sum up, I
am convinced
that technological development and adventure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have opened multiple new avenues of entertainment for youngsters, which are not feasible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to participate in.
Thus
, young adults have more alternatives to lead an entertaining
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
it
overwhelmingly
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Many people believe that young people enjoy life more than older people do. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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