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Many people believe that the increase presence of violence in films and television these days is responsible for rising incident of violent crimes among youth society. They argue that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this arguments v.1

Many people believe that the increase presence of violence in films and television these days is responsible for rising incident of violent crimes among youth society. They argue that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this arguments v. 1
It is believed that the rising of juvenile delinquency is associated with the widespread violence content showing in the mass media; therefore, the government should control the amount of violence behaviour in those media. However, I partly agree with this argument as the increase of youth crimes is not only the responsibility of the mass media. It is true that the appearance of violence in the mass media may adversely impact on teenagers' behaviour. This is simply because teenagers are not mature enough to identify violent behaviour and understand potential consequences of those behaviours. They may commit a crime by imitating anti-social behaviour that they have learnt from criminal programs on television. Accordingly, the media content should be censored by the government strictly, which will contribute to reduce the possibility that teenagers are exposed to those negative behaviours. However, apart from government' controlling for media content, education also plays an important role in reducing youth criminals. By telling teenagers right from wrong, parents and educators are both responsible to develop the next generations to be upright and disciplined citizens. In addition, young people are less likely to commit a crime if they feel to be cared by families and in their schools. In this sense, preventing young people from crime cannot be achieved only by the government. To conclude, I concede that the government should control media content in order to reduce the youth criminal rates. Nevertheless, I am convinced that young people should also be educated about what they can do or cannot do.
It
is believed
that the rising of juvenile delinquency
is associated
with the widespread violence
content
showing in the mass
media
;
therefore
, the
government
should control the amount of violence
behaviour
in those
media
.
However
, I partly
agree
with this argument as the increase of youth
crimes
is not
only
the responsibility of the mass media.

It is true that the appearance of violence in the mass
media
may
adversely
impact on
teenagers
'
behaviour
. This is
simply
because
teenagers
are not mature
enough
to identify violent
behaviour
and understand potential consequences of those
behaviours
. They may commit a
crime
by imitating anti-social
behaviour
that they have
learnt
from criminal programs on television.
Accordingly
, the
media
content
should
be censored
by the
government
strictly
, which will contribute to
reduce
the possibility that
teenagers
are exposed
to those
negative
behaviours
.

However
, apart from
government
' controlling for
media
content
, education
also
plays an
important
role in reducing youth criminals. By telling
teenagers
right from
wrong
, parents and educators are both responsible to develop the
next
generations to be upright and disciplined citizens.
In addition
, young
people
are less likely to commit a
crime
if they feel to
be cared
by families and in their schools. In this sense, preventing young
people
from
crime
cannot
be achieved
only
by the
government
.

To conclude
, I concede that the
government
should control
media
content
in order to
reduce
the youth criminal rates.
Nevertheless
, I
am convinced
that young
people
should
also
be educated
about what they can do or cannot do.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people believe that the increase presence of violence in films and television these days is responsible for rising incident of violent crimes among youth society. They argue that government have a duty to control the media so as to reduce this phenomenon. Do you agree with this arguments v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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