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Many people believe that the high levels of violence in films today are causing serious social problems. What are these problems and how could they be reduced? v.5

Many people believe that the high levels of violence in films today are causing serious social problems. What are these problems and how could they be reduced? v. 5
Living in the 21th century, the high-tech era has revolutionized the world. Consequently, how the younger generation spend their leisure time has been dramatically changed. In the following essay, whether this change is beneficial will be discussed. To start with, there are two major merits. Firstly, compared to the traditional way, which parents need to take their children to learning centres or libraries to enjoy their free time. New technologies provide easy access to the same resource from home. For example, e-books and handcraft manuals are all available on the Internet. This is not only more efficient, but also saves a great deal of time for busy parents. Another benefit brought by the evolving technology is the invention of virtual reality games. These games allow children to learn real-world tasks such as flying a plane or driving cars. Some video games, for example, puzzle games, could even help with developing motor skills and critical thinking, and encouraging their imagination, as well as concentration. On the other hand, there are some drawbacks along with the different lifestyle. There is nothing more important than children's health condition. Staring at the screens for too long may lead to optical issues such as shortsighted; sedentary lifestyle for children could result in obesity at young-age; lack of exercise might cause cardiovascular related diseases as well. Not to mention, with the high-tech lifestyle, children spend less time getting along with their friends in person, which means a potential jeopardy of psychological issue such as social isolation and anxiety disorder when facing crowds or unfamiliar environment might arise. In addition, people growing up isolated are usually lack of proficient interpersonal relationship and social skills. To conclude, it is crucial to prioritize children's well-being, I personally believe that the disadvantages brought by new technologies outweigh the advantages.
Living in the
Please check the suffix, if this is an ordinal number.
21th
century, the high-tech era has revolutionized the world.
Consequently
, how the younger generation spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has been
dramatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. In the following essay, whether this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is beneficial will
be discussed
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, there are two major merits.
Firstly
, compared to the traditional way, which parents need to take their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learning
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
or libraries to enjoy their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. New technologies provide easy access to the same resource from home.
For example
, e-books and handcraft manuals are all available on the Internet. This is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
more efficient,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
saves a great deal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for busy parents. Another benefit brought by the evolving technology is the invention of virtual reality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn real-world tasks such as flying a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plane
or driving cars.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
for example
, puzzle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, could even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with developing motor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and critical thinking, and encouraging their imagination,
as well
as concentration.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks along with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
lifestyle. There is nothing more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than children's health condition. Staring at the screens for too long may lead to optical issues such as shortsighted; sedentary lifestyle for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could result in obesity at young-age; lack of exercise might cause cardiovascular related diseases
as well
. Not to mention, with the high-tech lifestyle,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
getting along with their friends in person, which means a potential jeopardy of psychological issue such as social isolation and anxiety disorder when facing crowds or unfamiliar environment might arise.
In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
growing up isolated are
usually
lack of proficient interpersonal relationship and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

To conclude
, it is crucial to prioritize children's well-being, I
personally
believe that the disadvantages brought by new technologies outweigh the advantages.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people believe that the high levels of violence in films today are causing serious social problems. What are these problems and how could they be reduced? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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