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Many people believe that money is a good gift for a teenager while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Many people believe that money is a good gift for a teenager while others disagree. v. 2
It is commonly believed by many that the youngsters should have a freedom to choose their gift by themselves due to their awareness of modern electronic gadgets. However, others tend to oppose this idea and consider that giving money to children can provoke them to buy nonessential items. In my opinion, money is essentially a best gift as long as it is used under the strict supervision of parents. One evident reason which makes people feel that teenagers should decide their gifts by themselves is their knowledge about the technology. In other words, children have a different taste in buying their gifts because they have access to the modern internet where they can learn about latest technologies such as digital games and modern inventions which most of the old people are unaware of. As a result, a vast majority of teenagers dislike the gifts bought by their parents. For instance, according to a research conducted by the University of British Columbia, a child prefers a digital watch as a birthday gift over a manual watch. Thus, people should let the child buy their presents by themselves. Nevertheless, some people opine that money is harmful to the children and therefore it should not be given into their hands. The reason being, children can use it for illegal activities such as to purchase drugs or in gambling, which will eventually ruin their career. To exemplify, a vast majority of children start consuming drugs due to the negligence of their parents, which means parents do not supervise the spending of their child until it becomes a permanent habit. Furthermore, the gift represents the special bond between the giver and the taker, and it can not be replaced with the materialistic entity. For example, my brother gifted me a phone on my graduation and it always reminds me about him whenever I am using it. To conclude, money is not harmful for children as long as its flow is visible to the parents and therefore parents should consider letting their children choose their gifts according to their taste and knowledge.
It is
commonly
believed by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that the youngsters should have a freedom to choose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
by themselves due to their awareness of modern electronic gadgets.
However
, others tend to oppose this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and consider that giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can provoke them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
nonessential items. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
essentially
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
as long as it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
under the strict supervision of parents.

One evident reason which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should decide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
by themselves is their knowledge about the technology.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
taste in buying their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have access to the modern internet where they can learn about
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technologies such as digital games and modern inventions which most of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unaware of.
As a result
, a vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
dislike the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For instance
, according to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by the University of British Columbia, a child prefers a digital
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
as a birthday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
over a manual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
the child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their presents by themselves.

Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is harmful to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
therefore
it should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
into their hands. The reason being,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for illegal activities such as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
drugs or in gambling, which will
eventually
ruin their career. To exemplify, a vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
consuming drugs due to the negligence of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, which means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do not supervise the spending of their child until it becomes a permanent habit.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
represents the special bond between the giver and the taker, and it can not
be replaced
with the materialistic entity.
For example
, my brother gifted me a phone on my graduation and it always reminds me about him whenever I am using it.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not harmful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as long as its flow is visible to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should consider letting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
choose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
according to their taste and knowledge.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people believe that money is a good gift for a teenager while others disagree. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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