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Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree? v.9

Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. v. 9
We are living in an age when many of us are easily able to see the celebrities in the media. Children those who are watching it can have a great impact on their activities. The following essay takes a look at both sides of the argument. Children are often under the impression that those who are on TV must be very admirable. So they are enthusiastic to see the famous people on television and try to impersonate them. This has no negative effect if the celebrity is a dignified or exemplary person. For instance, Obama, the President of the Unites States have so many followers throughout the world and children are one among them. And it is good if they imitate him because Obama is a person of good morality. In contrast to this, in the means of mass communication, not all the famous stars have good personalities. There are some who are controversial and have harsh statements to keep their popularity. Indeed, some well known people have received more attention for their misuse of drugs and alcohol than for their successes on the stage or in sports. There is a worry when the kids try to mimic them. So it's the responsibility of the parents to keep an eye on about what their offsprings are seeing. Weighing up both sides of the argument, celebrities have an influence on children. It is important that children be taught to critically evaluate what they see in the media so that they can form a more realistic view of society, acceptable behaviour, and indeed themselves.
We are living in an age when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of us are
easily
able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the celebrities in the media.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
those who are watching it can have a great impact on their activities. The following essay takes a look at both sides of the argument.

Children are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
under the impression that those who are on TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
admirable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they are enthusiastic to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on television and try to impersonate them. This has no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect if the celebrity is a dignified or exemplary person.
For instance
, Obama, the President of the Unites States have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
followers throughout the world and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are one among them. And it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
if they imitate him
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Obama is a person of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
morality.

In contrast
to this, in the means of mass communication, not all the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
stars have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
personalities. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who are controversial and have harsh statements to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their popularity.
Indeed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
well known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have received more attention for their misuse of drugs and alcohol than for their successes on the stage or in sports. There is a worry when the kids try to mimic them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it's the responsibility of the parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on about what their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
are seeing.

Weighing up both sides of the argument, celebrities have an influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
be taught
to
critically
evaluate what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in the media
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can form a more realistic view of society, acceptable
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, and
indeed
themselves.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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