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Many people are supportive of the opinion that young children should study at home, because there are so many problems in schools nowadays. To what extent do you agree? v.2

Many people are supportive of the opinion that young children should study at home, because there are so many problems in schools nowadays. v. 2
In recent years, an increasing number of parents consider school's drawbacks, which way is the most efficient, whether the children should take home schooling in their home or not. And this has heated been the subject of discussion. I personally believe that the young generation should attend school in the sense that this is better for children in an educative way. On the one hand, it is partly true that if children study in their safe home, they would be provided with high quality education by well-trained home schooling teacher. They can learn a few majors which they want to know or they have a lot of interests more in-depth than other who attend the school students. Furthermore, from the double-income couples point of view, they can work without any anxiety in that their children study in the safety zone, so that parents can concentrate on their work harder than other parents who are left their children in school. For example, these days, there are a number of sexual crimes and kidnappings aiming at teenagers. So home schooling is effective in terms of protecting them from numbers of dangerous situations. Nevertheless, I am firmly convinced that attending school makes children more sociable person. The place of school gives kids not only various situations, but also unpredictable occasions. Then children will able to improve their solving problem skill by putting perplex situations, also acquiring how to release conflicts between friends' relationships. Another point worth mentioning is that children can increase their knowledge by attending a rich variety of courses. To illustrate in detail, they can share their ideas each other and discuss to deal with diverse topics, it naturally leads them more creative as well as triggers their interests of studying through a lot of field trips and events with their peer groups. In conclusion, this issue is still debatable in many parents who have young children or have teenagers already attending school, but I personally contend that it is essential that children should be sent to the educational institution for their discipline and adaptable ability.
In recent years, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
consider school's drawbacks, which way is the most efficient, whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should take
This word is normally spelled as one.
home schooling
in their home or not. And this has heated been the subject of discussion. I
personally
believe that the young generation should attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in the sense that this is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Consider replacing "in an educative way" with the adverb for "educative"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an educative way
.

On the one hand, it is partly true that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
study in their safe home, they would
be provided
with high quality education by well-trained
This word is normally spelled as one.
home schooling
teacher. They can learn a few majors which they want to
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
know or
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
interests more in-depth than other who attend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students.
Furthermore
, from the double-income couples point of view, they can work without any anxiety in that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
study in the safety zone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can concentrate on their work harder than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
For example
, these days, there are a number of sexual crimes and kidnappings aiming at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This word is normally spelled as one.
home schooling
is effective in terms of protecting them from numbers of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
situations.

Nevertheless
, I am
firmly
convinced that attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more sociable person. The place of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
gives kids not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
various situations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
unpredictable occasions. Then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their solving problem
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
by putting perplex situations,
also
acquiring how to release conflicts between friends' relationships. Another point worth mentioning is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can increase their knowledge by attending a rich variety of courses. To illustrate in detail, they can share their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
each other and
The verb 'discuss' is used with the gerund form: "discuss dealing".
discuss to deal
with diverse topics, it
naturally
leads them more creative
as well
as triggers their interests of studying through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
field trips and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
with their peer groups.

In conclusion
, this issue is
still
debatable in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who have young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
already attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
personally
contend that it is essential that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to the educational institution for their discipline and adaptable ability.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people are supportive of the opinion that young children should study at home, because there are so many problems in schools nowadays. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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