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Many people are supportive of the opinion that young children should study at home, because there are so many problems in schools nowadays. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Many people are supportive of the opinion that young children should study at home, because there are so many problems in schools nowadays. v. 1
In the present situation where most students have to go to the shools, it is a debatable issue whether it is better for students to study at home or not. While I understand that the reason for which home is a better place than the shools, I personally believe that shools have more positive impacts on students studying for following 3 reasons. Admittedly, it is partly true that there are several benefits to study at home. In the first place, it is enough for young children to study or learn the common subjects at home. With the development of technology, We can receive educational benefits by internet or computer. And they have a lot of factors which can attract the attention of children, including visual effects, sound effect and even more correct information. Also, in recent days, young children illegal behaviours are getting serious. For example, compared with the past, there are several small fights between friend and friend. But, nowadays, Childrens' quality of crime is getting serious and the rate of the young crimes is increasing rapidly. Nevertheless, I am firmly of the opinion that shools have a number of benefits. First of all, young children can adapt in society more easily. Because, when they study as a group, so they have a discussion class, they have to discuss about one topic. Then they must have a lot of conversations with their friends. In the such a situation, they have to face up to have a conflict between their friends and one. Once, they face up the conflicts, they learn the solution how the conflicts, solve and how the situation deal with. Another point worth mentioning is that young children can more concentrate on and be immersed on their studying. Compared with the house. It has lots of obstacles, including tv, computer and so on. It is hard for youngsters to control their desire for playing. But, shools are constructed to study for students. There are no disturbed factors. So children can only study. Furthermore, children can study not only in the common subjects, but also in literal arts. When they learn cultural subjects, they can be more polite and moral person. It is important for them to raise their mental health. In conclusion, I admit house is better than shools for children, but, as fas as I concerned, shools have more advantages for children studying for 3 main reasons mentioned above.
In the present situation where most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to the
Possible spelling mistake found.
shools
, it is a debatable issue whether it is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
at home or not. While I understand that the reason for which home is a better place than the
Possible spelling mistake found.
shools
, I
personally
believe that
Possible spelling mistake found.
shools
have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
studying for following 3 reasons.

Admittedly
, it is partly true that there are several benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
at home. In the
first
place, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
or learn the common subjects at home. With the development of technology, We can receive educational benefits by internet or computer. And they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
factors which can attract the attention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, including visual effects, sound effect and even more correct information.
Also
, in recent days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
illegal
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
are getting serious.
For example
, compared with the past, there are several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
fights between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, nowadays,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Childrens
' quality of crime is getting serious and the rate of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
crimes is increasing
rapidly
.

Nevertheless
, I am
firmly
of the opinion that
Possible spelling mistake found.
shools
have a number of benefits.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can adapt in society more
easily
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
as a group,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have a discussion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
Did you mean simply "discuss one"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about one
topic. Then they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
conversations with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. In the such a situation, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face up to have a conflict between their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and one. Once, they face up the conflicts, they learn the solution how the conflicts, solve and how the situation deal with. Another point worth mentioning is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can more concentrate on and
be immersed
on their studying. Compared with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. It has lots of obstacles, including
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
, computer and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for youngsters to control their desire for playing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
shools
are constructed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. There are no disturbed factors.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in the common subjects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in literal arts. When they learn cultural subjects, they can be more polite and moral person. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for them to raise their mental health.

In conclusion
, I admit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
is better than
Possible spelling mistake found.
shools
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, as
Possible spelling mistake found.
fas
as I concerned,
Possible spelling mistake found.
shools
have more advantages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
studying for 3 main reasons mentioned above.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people are supportive of the opinion that young children should study at home, because there are so many problems in schools nowadays. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
403 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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