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Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.4

Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 4
The vast majority of people give up their personal data to technology companies and, in return, those companies allow them to utilize their program. This essay will first discuss about how this scheme can help many individuals start up their companies and then talk about how it can lead to spam and fraud before coming to reasoned conclusion that the advantage does not outweigh the disadvantage. The main advantage of obtaining rights to use applications by providing personal data is that it can help individuals begin their own businesses. Instead of paying hefty price tags for software license, people get it for free. This particularly beneficial for those who want to start their own businesses but do not have enough money to purchase applications that are needed for their work. According to the Adobe, Inc. , 85% of their customer use their license-free software for 1 year before upgrading to business license. Despite this benefit, sharing personal data with high-tech companies without lawful agreement can lead to spam and fraud. It is a common observation that those companies fail to keep their customer data safe and, as a result, the data leaks to the internet. Furthermore, criminals may use this data for their actions, such as sending fake information to people through their email addresses or using others' credit cards to shop online. To illustrate, hundreds of Facebook's customers reported that they got many annoying emails following an announcement that the company had an issue with its security system. In conclusion, people may take an advantage of sharing personal data to get programs for free, but they are at risk if their data leaks to the internet. Therefore, it is clear that the benefit of giving up personal data to technology companies does not overshadow the disadvantage.
The vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
to technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and, in return, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to utilize their program. This essay will
first
Did you mean simply "discuss how"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about how
this scheme can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and then talk about how it can lead to spam and fraud
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
coming to reasoned conclusion that the advantage does not outweigh the disadvantage.

The main advantage of obtaining rights to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
applications by providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
businesses.
Instead
of paying hefty price tags for software license,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it for free. This
particularly
beneficial for those who want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
businesses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
applications that
are needed
for their work. According to the Adobe, Inc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
85% of their customer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their license-free software for 1 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
upgrading to business license.

Despite this benefit, sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
with high-tech
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
without lawful agreement can lead to spam and fraud. It is a common observation that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
fail to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their customer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
safe and,
as a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
leaks to the internet.
Furthermore
, criminals may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
for their actions, such as sending fake information to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
through their email addresses or using others' credit cards to shop online. To illustrate, hundreds of Facebook's customers reported that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
annoying emails following an announcement that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
had an issue with its security system.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may take an advantage of sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
programs for free,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
leaks to the internet.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the benefit of giving up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
to technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
does not overshadow the disadvantage.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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