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Many parents believed that when their children read books for entertainment, they are wasting their time, and that they should read only serious, educational books. What is your opinion about this? v.1

Many parents believed that when their children read books for entertainment, they are wasting their time, and that they should read only serious, educational books. What is your opinion about this? v. 1
Reading books for entertainment is considered by most of the parents that is a waste of children's time and they only allowed to read serious, educational books such as textbooks and exercise books. However, from my point of view, I completely disagree with this perspective as it contains a huge amount of benefits for children. First and foremost, I believed that reading books for entertainment namely novel and comic book are able for children to learn different language and improve their communication skills. Nowadays, most of the story books are written in two different languages such as English and mandarin. Owing to this, children tend to have the greater ability to advance their language skills which allow them to have the capable to communicate and interact with other people from different culture more easily compare to ordinary children. Moreover, in my opinion, able to help children develop positive personality is another significant merits that arise from reading books for entertainment. Admittedly, story book and comic book often contain an enormous amount of moral values for children to implement and learn. Due to this phenomenon, while children spend their time on reading these kinds of books, it may lead them to develop positive emotions and become optimist. Furthermore, another important advantages that result from this is that able to help children release stress that coming from their study. For instance, while reading novel at their leisure time, it tend to reduce their burden from their study and prevent them to suffer in a stressful circumstances in order to ensure them living in a more relax situation. In conclusion, reading books for entertainment contains more merits for children compare to the drawbacks that associated with this. Parents are essential to encourage their children to read these kinds of books.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
for entertainment
is considered
by most of the parents
that is
a waste of children's
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to read serious, educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
such as textbooks and exercise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
.
However
, from my point of view, I completely disagree with this perspective as it contains a huge amount of benefits for children.

First
and foremost, I believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
for entertainment
namely
novel and comic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
are able for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
language and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Nowadays, most of the story
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
are written
in two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
languages such as English and mandarin. Owing to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to have the greater ability to advance their language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to have the capable to communicate and interact with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture more
easily
compare to ordinary children.

Moreover
, in my opinion, able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
personality is another significant merits that arise from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
for entertainment.
Admittedly
, story
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
and comic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
contain an enormous amount of moral values for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to implement and learn. Due to this phenomenon, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, it may lead them to develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
emotions and become optimist.
Furthermore
, another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
advantages that result from this is that able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
release
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
that coming from their study.
For instance
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
novel at their leisure time, it
Did you mean "tends"?
tend
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their burden from their study and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them to suffer in a stressful
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "circumstance"?
circumstances
in order to ensure them living in a more relax situation.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
for entertainment contains more merits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
compare to the drawbacks that associated with this. Parents are essential to encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to read these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many parents believed that when their children read books for entertainment, they are wasting their time, and that they should read only serious, educational books. What is your opinion about this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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