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Many parents are unhappy with the amount of violence in video games, television programs, and other leisure activities. How harmful could this be to children? What could be done to solve this problem? v.2

Many parents are unhappy with the amount of violence in video games, television programs, and other leisure activities. How harmful could this be to children? What could be done to solve this problem? v. 2
In the current era of cutting – edge technologies, numerous parents are bothered by the level of violence which some of these technologies contains. This may have a negative impact on children’s process of socialization as well as it can play a decisive role in the upbringing cruelty in children in the long run. There are some ways to tackle this issue that will be discussed in this essay. There are various drawbacks of the violent content that some leisure activities contained. First and foremost, this may affect a significant step of upbringing – empathy education due to the inability to understand other’s emotions through the absorbing the cruel material. Not only does this result in the lack of friends, but it also will have a detrimental effect on a subsequent career. Moreover, there is a strong connection between harsh habits during the childhood and the possibility to become a culprit or even murder. Indeed, there are the great number of researches which argue that the roots of being offender lie in individuals’ childhood. There are some ways to combat the aforementioned issue. One of the most effective solutions for parents is to maintain time restrictions for specific apps or TV-shows. Indeed, modern technologies allows people to set time frames for any apps they use. Furthermore, it is a mandatory for parents to play with children more and to teach them empathy. To illustrate, there are lots of different role plays which give an opportunity to children to learn more about different emotions and reactions which is a fundamental for a successful future. In conclusion, some parents worry about how violent content of modern activities affects their children since it can be a reason for adolescents to become unsociable or even cruel. However, there are some solutions such as setting time restrictions for those particular activities and what is more important, to pay more attention to children and teach them to understand themselves and other individuals around.
In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
era of cutting
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
edge technologies, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are bothered
by the level of violence which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these technologies contains. This may have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
process of socialization
as well
as it can play a decisive role in the upbringing cruelty in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the long run. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to tackle this issue that will
be discussed
in this essay.

There are various drawbacks of the violent content that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
leisure activities contained.
First
and foremost, this may affect a significant step of upbringing
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
empathy education due to the inability to understand other’s emotions through the absorbing the cruel material. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does this result in the lack of friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
will have a detrimental effect on a subsequent career.
Moreover
, there is a strong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
harsh habits during the childhood and the possibility to become a culprit or even murder.
Indeed
, there are the great number of researches which argue that the roots of being offender lie in individuals’ childhood.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to combat the aforementioned issue. One of the most effective solutions for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is to maintain time restrictions for specific apps or TV-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
Indeed
, modern technologies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to set time frames for any apps they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
Furthermore
, it is a mandatory for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to play with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more and to teach them empathy. To illustrate, there are lots of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
role plays which give an opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn more about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
emotions and reactions which is a fundamental for a successful future.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
worry about how violent content of modern activities affects their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
since it can be a reason for adolescents to become unsociable or even cruel.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions such as setting time restrictions for those particular activities and
what is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, to pay more attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and teach them to understand themselves and other individuals around.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many parents are unhappy with the amount of violence in video games, television programs, and other leisure activities. How harmful could this be to children? What could be done to solve this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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