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Many parents are concerned about the violent computer games or movies or leisure activities. How can this impact children? What can be done to solve this problem? v.2

Many parents are concerned about the violent computer games or movies or leisure activities. How can this impact children? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 2
It is undeniable that violent scenes have a negative impact on children and thus the vast majority of parents are worried about their children due to aggressive footage that can be seen in computer games, films or leisure activity. This essay will discuss how this may be resulted in children’s bad behaviour, and will discuss a possible solution to overcome this problem. To begin with, due to the technological development recently, children may face footages which are not appropriate to be seen at their age. The reason behind this is that such footages can be stored in children’s memories and nothing can erase the consequences behind it. Moreover, some of the extreme violent videos may be resulting in a direct shock to youngsters’ mental abilities. For instance, officials in the World Organizational Health (WHO) had announced that almost 45% of children are suffering from mental health issues due to the violent scenes. In contrast, if children do not interact with such footages, they will not be harmed. In order to overcome this conflict, parents should implement new strategies when dealing with their juveniles. This is because by this way they can control the problem before being occurred. In other words, many online purchased programs can make it way complicated for youngsters to see risky scenes, these programs can work like a cover which make it impossible to appear. As a result, parents will ensure that their children will not see such aggressive videos. To conclude, despite of conflicts that can be occurred because of the watch of violent video, parents can still secure their children by installing programs that banned the inappropriate footages.
It is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
scenes have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
thus
the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are worried
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
due to aggressive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
footage
that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in computer games, films or leisure activity. This essay will discuss how this may
be resulted
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, and will discuss a possible solution to overcome this problem.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, due to the technological development recently,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may face
Possible spelling mistake found.
footages
which are not appropriate to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
at their age. The reason behind this is that such
Possible spelling mistake found.
footages can
be stored
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
memories and nothing can erase the
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "behind". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences behind
it.
Moreover
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
videos may be resulting in a direct shock to youngsters’ mental abilities.
For instance
, officials in the World Organizational Health (WHO) had announced that almost 45% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are suffering from mental health issues due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
scenes.
In contrast
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not interact with such
Possible spelling mistake found.
footages
, they will not
be harmed
.

In order to overcome this conflict,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should implement new strategies when dealing with their juveniles. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
by this way they can control the problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
being occurred
.
In other words
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
programs can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it way complicated for youngsters to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
risky scenes, these programs can work like a cover which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it impossible to appear.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will ensure that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
such aggressive videos.

To conclude
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
conflicts that can
be occurred
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
video,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
still
secure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by installing programs that banned the inappropriate
Possible spelling mistake found.
footages
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Many parents are concerned about the violent computer games or movies or leisure activities. How can this impact children? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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