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Many old cities around the world are going through a major process of modernization. What are the advantages and disadvantages of modernization? v.2

Many old cities around the world are going through a major process of modernization. What are the advantages and disadvantages of modernization? v. 2
With the advent of technology, urban areas are now rapidly adopting the modern ways of living resulting in the transformation of old cities into modern societies. The advantages of this modernization include convenient lifestyle. However, this trend is largely affecting the natural environment causing drastic effects on the climate. Modern societies are advantageous as compared to the traditional ones as they have improved infrastructure and education sector. The buildings of the modern world are more robust and resilient towards any natural calamity. The infrastructure is designed in such a way that it can handle any harsh weather conditions such as extremely cold or hot temperatures and these buildings can even sustain themselves during earthquakes. In addition, the education system is completely revolutionize by the concept of online learning which has enabled students from various and distant regions to get the same standard of education. For instance, online learning platforms such as Coursera and Udemy have all learning material and video lectures from one of the leading universities around the globe. However, modern societies have drastically affected our natural environment. The increased number of vehicles are causing air pollution by continuously emitting hazardous gases in the environment such as carbon monoxide, as a result, the temperature is increasing day by day. In addition, smog formation which is formed by mixing fog with smoke is becoming a serious concern. For instance, in 2019 high air pollutants in the environment resulted in extreme smog formation which caused various respiratory and eye diseases. In conclusion, modern world is advantageous in term of providing improved lifestyle while its disadvantage includes the destruction of our natural environment by causing air pollution.
With the advent of technology, urban areas are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
rapidly
adopting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
ways of living resulting in the transformation of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
cities into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
societies. The advantages of this modernization include convenient lifestyle.
However
, this trend is
largely
affecting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
causing drastic effects on the climate.

Modern societies are advantageous as compared to the traditional ones as they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
infrastructure and education sector. The buildings of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
world are more robust and resilient towards any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
calamity. The infrastructure
is designed
in such a way that it can handle any harsh weather conditions such as
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
or hot temperatures and these buildings can even sustain themselves during earthquakes.
In addition
, the education system is completely
Consider using a past participle here: "revolutionized".
revolutionize
by the concept of online learning which has enabled students from various and distant regions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the same standard of education.
For instance
, online learning platforms such as Coursera and Udemy have all learning material and video lectures from one of the leading universities around the globe.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
societies have
drastically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
. The increased number of vehicles are causing air pollution by
continuously
emitting hazardous gases in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
such as carbon monoxide,
as a result
, the temperature is increasing day by day.
In addition
, smog formation which
is formed
by mixing fog with smoke is becoming a serious concern.
For instance
, in 2019 high air pollutants in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
resulted in extreme smog formation which caused various respiratory and eye diseases.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
world is advantageous in term of providing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
lifestyle while its disadvantage includes the destruction of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
by causing air pollution.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
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IELTS essay Many old cities around the world are going through a major process of modernization. What are the advantages and disadvantages of modernization? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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