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Many offenders commit more crimes after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v.1

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v. 1
In recent decades, there has been a growing trend of wasting a large amount of time for video games in children due to the rapid evolution of technology. Although this tendency obvious will cause some adverse impacts on children and society as a whole, identifying the reasons behind this trend is key to solve this pressing issue. There are two main reasons can be explained why computer games have been gaining more popularity in young generations. First, since the creative industry, such as designing, has rapidly evolved over, these sorts of game become more appealing to children due to eye-catching visual effects. For example, a game with attracting colours and is well-designed is clearly more interesting for children who have ever had no awareness about it. Second, thanks to the development of technology, especially some state-of-the-art devices make playing games become more comfortable than ever before. In fact, Apple, a giant corporation has introduced its cutting-edges devices such as Ipod, these light and portable devices considerably contribute to encouraging children to engage in video games. Despite video games are means of entertainment, these games, however, will cause some negative effects for our children and the whole society. In fact, many children have spent the most of their time sticking on the screens for playing video games, which results in some mental disorders. Wasting too much time on games has been scientifically proven that it can lead to depression in children in the long run. Additionally, the more time children spend on games, the less time they spend on studying. This means that these young generations will grow up and are poorly educated due to lack of time for school, and even this can lead to the rise in the crime rate as education is tightly tied to the number of criminals. In conclusion, despite video games are a great way for children to entertain, however, we as citizens should find out the reasons behind the mentioned trend and take steps to solve this urgent problem.
In recent decades, there has been a growing trend of wasting a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
due to the rapid evolution of technology. Although this tendency obvious will cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adverse impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and society as a whole, identifying the reasons behind this trend is key to solve this pressing issue.

There are two main reasons can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
why computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have been gaining more popularity in young generations.
First
, since the creative industry, such as designing, has
rapidly
evolved over, these sorts of game become more appealing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
due to eye-catching visual effects.
For example
, a game with attracting
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
and is well-designed is
clearly
more interesting for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have ever had no awareness about it. Second, thanks to the development of technology,
especially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
state-of-the-art devices
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
become more comfortable than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. In fact, Apple, a giant corporation has introduced its cutting-edges devices such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ipod
, these light and portable devices
considerably
contribute to encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
games.

Despite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are means of entertainment, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
however
, will cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects for our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and the whole society. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have spent the most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
sticking on the screens for playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which results in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mental disorders. Wasting too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has been
scientifically
proven that it can lead to depression in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the long run.
Additionally
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, the less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they spend on studying. This means that these young generations will grow up and are
poorly
educated due to lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for school, and even this can lead to the rise in the crime rate as education is
tightly
tied to the number of criminals.

In conclusion
, despite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are a great way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to entertain,
however
, we as citizens should find out the reasons behind the mentioned trend and take steps to solve this urgent problem.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many offenders commit more crimes after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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