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Many offenders commit more crime after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v.1

Many offenders commit more crime after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v. 1
Although, after completing their first jail time, many criminals often commit more crime. One of the prominent reasons for this is unemployment and poverty. Firstly, criminals are not accepted by the society once they serve their first punishment. They do not get most of the jobs due to their past, and hence leading them towards unemployment and poverty. Because of unemployment they are not able to fulfil their or their family responsibilities and get motivated to do crime again. Secondly, the offenders are always on the lists of criminals under police radar even when they are thus free, making difficult for them to live a normal life. For instance, if a crime happens in their area, they are always taken by the police to check, if they were involved. Furthermore, having less police on the street also contributes to opportunistic crimes. Despite, these problems of first time offenders returning towards crime, the Government can take some important incentives such as skills training and rehabilitation programmes. These programmes can introduce many skills such as, learning computers, coding and cooking classes and many more which can help these criminals to earn their livelihood once they are free, and will eventually reduce crime rates and increase employment, thus, giving them a bright future. In addition, to this they should get counselling sessions while serving their punishment and even after leaving jail. This will help them get rid of their past and a start a new life. Moreover, more police force should be on the streets to stop crimes on the spot. In conclusion, the Government ought to utilize rehabilitation and skill training programmes in the jail for all criminals along with counselling sessions to make sure they will not return to crime.
Although, after completing their
first
jail time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
commit more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. One of the prominent reasons for this is unemployment and poverty.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by the society once they serve their
first
punishment. They do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
most of the jobs due to their past, and
hence
leading them towards unemployment and poverty.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of unemployment they are not able to fulfil their or their family responsibilities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
motivated to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
again.
Secondly
, the offenders are always on the lists of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
under
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
radar even when they are
thus
free, making difficult for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a normal life.
For instance
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
happens in their area, they are always taken by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
, if they
were involved
.
Furthermore
, having
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun police is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
on the street
also
contributes to opportunistic crimes.

Despite, these problems of
first
time offenders returning towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
incentives such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
training and rehabilitation
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
. These
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
can introduce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as, learning computers, coding and cooking classes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
to earn their livelihood once they are free, and will
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates and increase employment,
thus
, giving them a bright future.
In addition
, to this they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
counselling sessions while serving their punishment and even after leaving jail. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of their past and a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a new life.
Moreover
, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
force should be on the streets to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
on the spot.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
ought to utilize rehabilitation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
training
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
in the jail for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
along with counselling sessions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure they will not return to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
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IELTS essay Many offenders commit more crime after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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