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Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. v.3

Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. v. 3
The new era brings technology to feet of human kind. These advances in technology help us to spend our lifetime with sedentary jobs which don't require making movements during working hours and travel between cities. But, unfortunately, this comfort in our lives affects our health and cause prevalent diseases. These diseases decrease our happiness tremendously. In this essay, I will examine root causes of these diseases and inform you about ways to avoid them even living in a steady lifestyle. First of all, mostly seen diseases among computer science professionals are "carpal tunnel" which happens due to excessive usage of the mouse during working hours. One of the symptoms of this illness is feeling pain during usage of the mouse. Luckily, it could be avoided easily by usage of the mouse pad with wrist support. Secondly, many monitoring professionals should require sending countless e-mails and those might end up with joint calcifications because of high rates of keyboard usage. But, this issue could refrain easily by creating scripts in order to decrease keyboard usage or should be minimised by creating templates for all necessary e-mails only for once. Furthermore, each steady workplace employees are in danger of spine issues because of standing still on a chair for hours. However, abstaining from these issues is possible by strolling around in regular breaks and exercising regularly even when you are sitting on your chair. Another disease which could happen because of sedentary life is a hernia and it is really common among engineers. Eliminating risks to secure ourselves from this issue is only possible by changing our habits. For example sitting on a yoga ball is on the rise since last decade in order to refrain from a hernia. Even if you don't like to use it, you could easily avoid this illness by sitting properly which are recommended by orthopedicians as well. Last but not least, common illnesses among steady workers is obesity. This disease is considered as illness of future and it leads to variety of diseases from heart attack to organ failures. But, the underlying reason to become obese is an uncontrolled eating habit and it could be easily obtained by regular exercises and follow your doctor's instructions. In conclusion, I believe that lifestyle is a choice and many of aforementioned diseases could be avoided by changing our lifestyles. Due to all of my explanations, I strongly disagree that diseases are not the result of sedentary lifestyle.
The new era brings technology to feet of human kind. These advances in technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to spend our lifetime with sedentary jobs which don't require making movements during working hours and travel between cities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, unfortunately, this comfort in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
affects our health and cause prevalent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
decrease our happiness
tremendously
. In this essay, I will examine root causes of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
and inform you about ways to avoid them even living in a steady lifestyle.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
mostly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
among computer science professionals are
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
carpal tunnel
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
which happens due to excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of the mouse during working hours. One of the symptoms of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
is feeling pain during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of the mouse. Luckily, it could
be avoided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of the mouse pad with wrist support.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
monitoring professionals should require sending countless e-mails and those might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with joint
Possible spelling mistake found.
calcifications
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of high rates of keyboard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
could refrain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
by creating scripts in order to decrease keyboard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
or should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimised' is British English.
minimised
by creating templates for all necessary e-mails
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for once.

Furthermore
, each steady workplace employees are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of spine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of standing
still
on a chair for hours.
However
, abstaining from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
is possible by strolling around in regular breaks and exercising
regularly
even when you are sitting on your chair. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
which could happen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of sedentary life is a hernia and it is
really
common among engineers. Eliminating
The verb 'risks' is used with the gerund form: "risks securing".
risks to secure
ourselves from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possible by changing our habits.
For example
sitting on a yoga ball is on the rise since last decade in order to refrain from a hernia. Even if you don't like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it, you could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
avoid this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
by sitting
properly
which
are recommended
by
Possible spelling mistake found.
orthopedicians
as well
.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
among steady workers is obesity. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
is considered
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
of future and it leads to variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
from heart attack to organ failures.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, the underlying reason to become obese is an uncontrolled eating habit and it could be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
obtained by regular exercises and follow your doctor's instructions.

In conclusion
, I believe that lifestyle is a choice and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of aforementioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
could
be avoided
by changing our lifestyles. Due to all of my explanations, I
strongly
disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
are not the result of sedentary lifestyle.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
408 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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