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Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists but not local people. Why is this the case and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places? v.8

Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists but not local people. Why is this the case and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places? v. 8
The internet has changed the way we share and consume knowledge, but it has also led to numerous issues that were previously non-existent. The main problem this causes is that people prefer to interact with each other on the internet rather than face-to-face and the most viable solution is an awareness program to educate people about the dangers of isolation as a result. The principle issue with using the internet is that many people are interacting with each other using various online services and are drifting away from physical interactions. Nowadays, web portals provide many home services, such as laundry or grocery delivery, and people prefer to use them rather than doing these chores in person. As a result, their interactions with others are reduced and they isolate themselves from everybody. For example, a survey conducted by the American Food Association found that 50% of people preferred to order their groceries online rather than visit the local supermarket. To tackle the problem, the government should launch an awareness campaign in the media and schools warning them about the dangers of isolation. If people are made aware of of the mental issues caused by lack of physical contact, such as depression, they might try to change their habits and put in more efforts to interact with others. For instance, a similar initiative in Japan resulted in a 40% decrease in people feeling depressed because of isolation. In conclusion, using the internet lead to reduced interactions between people that can result in isolation and depression, however, it can be addressed by initiating an awareness campaign warning the people about its dangers.
The internet has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way we share and consume knowledge,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has
also
led to numerous issues that were previously non-existent. The main problem this causes is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to interact with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
on the internet
rather
than face-to-face and the most viable solution is an awareness program to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of isolation
as a result
.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
principle issue with using the internet is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interacting with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
using various online services and are drifting away from physical interactions. Nowadays, web portals provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
home services, such as laundry or grocery delivery, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them
rather
than doing these chores in person.
As a result
, their interactions with others are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
reduced and
they isolate themselves from everybody.
For example
, a survey conducted by the American Food Association found that 50% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
preferred to order their groceries online
rather
than visit the local supermarket.

To tackle the problem, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should launch an awareness campaign in the media and schools warning them about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of isolation. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are made
aware
Possible typo: you repeated a word
of of
the mental issues caused by lack of physical contact, such as depression, they might try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their habits and put in more efforts to interact with others.
For instance
, a similar initiative in Japan resulted in a 40% decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feeling depressed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of isolation.

In conclusion
, using the internet lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
interactions between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that can result in isolation and depression,
however
, it can
be addressed
by initiating an awareness campaign warning the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists but not local people. Why is this the case and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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