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Many elderly people are no longer looked after by their families but are put in care homes or nursing homes. what are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend? v.2

Many elderly people are no longer looked after by their families but are put in care homes or nursing homes. what are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend? v. 2
Among the people is becoming relevant to send their close relatives in nursing homes. Despite the care homes have convenient conditions for older people, it's far better off to live with family in love and attention. In my opinion, people should care of parents, for they have been dedicated their whole life to growing children. The greatest benefit of staying in care home is that it provides all needs for older people such as healthy nutrition, accommodation, advanced professionals. Moreover, they will live with people in the same age, so they can communicate with them about different topics. For example, the survey demonstrated that most of elder people prefer to live in nursing homes in Europe, as there they feel like at home and have the opportunity to meet friends, spouses, or just people who have common interests for communicating. Having good conditions and nice atmosphere is paradoxically the main advantage of staying in care homes because it helps to live less of life happily. On the flip side, lacking of love and attention poses obstacles to live a happy life. There are constraints of time for visitors in nursing home and it usually provides 1-2 hours, consequently elder people don't enjoy a lot being with children. For instance, my uncle living in care home said that he lives much better there, but he feels homesick every day, he also would like to spend more time on outside with relatives. Parents give a whole life for growing and nurturing of their children and they deserve to be with their family. To some up all contradiction, staying in care homes more disadvantageous than advantageous.
Among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
becoming relevant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their close relatives in nursing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
. Despite the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
have convenient conditions for older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, it's far better off to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with family in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and attention. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of parents, for they have
been dedicated
their whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to growing children.

The greatest benefit of staying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
home is that it provides all needs for older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
such as healthy nutrition, accommodation, advanced professionals.
Moreover
, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the same age,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can communicate with them about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
topics.
For example
, the survey demonstrated that most of elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in nursing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
in Europe, as there they feel like at home and have the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
friends, spouses, or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have common
The usual collocation for "interests" is "in" not "for". Did you mean "interests in"?
interests for
communicating. Having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
conditions and nice atmosphere is
paradoxically
the main advantage of staying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
less of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
happily
.

On the flip side, lacking of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and attention poses obstacles to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. There are constraints of time for visitors in nursing home and it
usually
provides 1-2 hours,
consequently
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don't enjoy
If you mean a great quantity, use "a lot of being"?
a lot being
with children.
For instance
, my uncle living in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
home said that he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
much better there,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he feels homesick every day, he
also
would like to spend more time on outside with relatives. Parents give a whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for growing and nurturing of their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they deserve to be with their family.

To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
up all contradiction, staying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
more disadvantageous than advantageous.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Many elderly people are no longer looked after by their families but are put in care homes or nursing homes. what are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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