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Many developed countries now have large numbers of people over the age of 65. What problems might this cause? How can the problems be solved? v.1

Many developed countries now have large numbers of people over the age of 65. What problems might this cause? How can the problems be solved? v. 1
The enhancements in the medical industry have improved overall life acceptance to a further limit. Eventually, this resulted in a major population of a country belonging to a senior age group of 65 in many parts of the world, which furthermore effected the economy and increased the medical budget for a middle-class family. Nevertheless, these issues can be easily controlled by the introduction of better planning and extending the retirement age. Over the years, it is seen that a big part of nations development rate depends directly on the number of people in their early 30’s, in such a case having only 1/3 of such people can result into some adverse effect. As the major difference lies in the way of thinking, which can not be changed with the increasing age. Moreover, at this age the physical ability reduces and body gets more prone of getting affected by small diseases, which increases their monthly expenses, plus as these people are already living on a pension, this makes the case worse. For evidence, a study conducted in New York showcased that around 70% of people are unable to meet their medical bills with their home being a regular source of expenditure. On the other hand, such conditions are under control, either they need a more accurate set of rules for family planning, which can be created by organizing awareness campaign and roadshow, as proper distribution can easily compensate of the workforce required in the due course of time. Besides that, just by adjusting the governed retirement age from 60 to 65, people will be capable of handling their high-end treatment bill and live a happy life. To sum up, the new medication system helps a lot in the early detection of diseases and their causes, but also creates a massive effect on the national economy and growth. In this essay, we have discussed that by better planning and more work years can empower people to see a better future of themselves as well as for society.
The enhancements in the medical industry have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
overall
life acceptance to a
further
limit.
Eventually
, this resulted in a major population of a country belonging to a senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group of 65 in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world, which
furthermore
effected the economy and increased the medical budget for a middle-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
family.
Nevertheless
, these issues can be
easily
controlled by the introduction of better planning and extending the retirement age.

Over the years, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
part of nations development rate depends
directly
on the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their early
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "30s".
30’s
, in such a case having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
1/3 of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can result into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adverse effect. As the major difference lies in the way of thinking, which can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
with the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Moreover
, at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
the physical ability
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
and body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
more prone of getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
diseases, which increases their monthly expenses, plus as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are already living on a pension, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the case worse. For evidence, a study conducted in New York showcased that around 70% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their medical bills with their home being a regular source of expenditure.

On the other hand
, such conditions are under control, either they need a more accurate set of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
for family planning, which can
be created
by organizing awareness campaign and roadshow, as proper distribution can
easily
compensate of the workforce required in the due course of time.
Besides
that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by adjusting the governed retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
from 60 to 65,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be capable of handling their high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
treatment bill and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a happy life.

To sum up, the new medication system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
a lot in the early detection of diseases and their causes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
creates a massive effect on the national economy and growth. In this essay, we have discussed that by better planning and more work years can empower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a better future of themselves
as well
as for society.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Many developed countries now have large numbers of people over the age of 65. What problems might this cause? How can the problems be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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