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Many crimes are often related to the consumption of alcohol. Some people think that the best way to reduce the crime rate is to ban alcohol. Do you think this is an effective measure against crime? What other solutions can you suggest? v.2

Many crimes are often related to the consumption of alcohol. Some people think that the best way to reduce the crime rate is to ban alcohol. Do you think this is an effective measure against crime? What other solutions can you suggest? v. 2
Most of the time the criminals are drunk while committing the crime and some people believe that the main solution for preventing the crime commitment is alcohol prohibition. I completely disagree with this view, because of a major reason which I will discuss in the following paragraph, and then debate what the effective solutions are. However alcohol consuming would affect on committing the crime, forbidden the alcohol is not the best solution for decrease the rate of the crime. Because in that case people drunk in their privacy and as the result of that disobedience take place. Moreover, alcohol is imported by trafficker; so, another crime happened. For instance, In Iran, the rule of alcohol prohibition exists, but the hidden bar made up and the covert drunk people spread out in the whole country, but, still the crime committed by drunken criminals and the increasing rate of alcohol trafficker become another problem which police and governments are struggling with. So ban the alcohol might not solve the increasing rate of the crime problem. The solution of reduction of alcohol consumption in order to reduce the crime commitment needs parents and governments attention. First of all, parents should control their children to not drink alcohol before 18; besides, they should not consume alcohol obviously and openly in front of their children's eyes. The Government should improve the educational goals and teach the younger generation how alcohol would be harmful especially for their health and the safety of the society. In conclusion, some people consider that, ban the alcohol absolutely reduce the crime commitment because most of the crimes committed by drunken criminals. We debate the views and solution above.
Most of the time the criminals
are drunk
while committing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
for preventing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
commitment is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
prohibition. I completely disagree with this view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a major reason which I will discuss in the following paragraph, and then debate what the effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
are.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
consuming would
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on committing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, forbidden the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
is not the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
for decrease the rate of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
in that case
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
drunk in their privacy and as the result of that disobedience take place.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
is imported
by trafficker;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
happened.
For instance
, In Iran, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
prohibition exists,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the hidden bar made up and the covert drunk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spread out in the whole country,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
,
still
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
committed by drunken criminals and the increasing rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
trafficker become another problem which police and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
are struggling with.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
ban the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
might not solve the increasing rate of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
problem.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
of reduction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
consumption in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
commitment needs parents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
attention.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, parents should control their children to not drink
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
18;
besides
, they should not consume
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
obviously
and
openly
in front of their children's eyes. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the educational goals and teach the younger generation how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
would be harmful
especially
for their health and the safety of the society.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that, ban the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
absolutely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
commitment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
committed by drunken criminals. We debate the views and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
above.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Many crimes are often related to the consumption of alcohol. Some people think that the best way to reduce the crime rate is to ban alcohol. Do you think this is an effective measure against crime? What other solutions can you suggest? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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