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Many crimes are often related to the consumption of alcohol. Some people think that the best way to reduce the crime rate is to ban alcohol. Do you think this is an effective measure against crime? What other solutions can you suggest? v.4

Many crimes are often related to the consumption of alcohol. Some people think that the best way to reduce the crime rate is to ban alcohol. Do you think this is an effective measure against crime? What other solutions can you suggest? v. 4
Nowadays crime rate is increasing vulnerably all over the world. Many people believe that it is a catalyst of addiction towards liquor. This essay will discuss that why only prohibition of alcohol cannot lessen the offence and explain some possible solutions. To begin with, banning the alcohol is not an appropriate way to prevent the crime. First of all, it will create chaos among the Christian people because they consume wine for their religious purpose and it is legal for their religion. And also, this process cannot alter the mindset of criminals. For example South Korea is a country which had been sealed the wine factories that returned into a huge amount of people jobless. In addition, these alcoholic factories advocating the economical development of a country. These few instances can bolster the existing concept that alone the restriction in wine consumption would have a deplorable impact on the country's economy that means to add fuel to fire. However, the government should be more fastidious about the legislations and also required to be balloon the job vacancy. First and foremost, many people are forced to involve in violence due to the lack of job opportunities. Moreover, some people might feel depressed whenever they can't find an appropriate job, even after completing the graduation, that put them in pressure and create the frustration to involve themselves in terrorism. For instance, Israel is the state, where terrorism increasing drastically due to the inevitable of prosperity in their lifestyles and the fragile laws. In brief, if the country’s administration goes through the proper way to ensure the safety and provide all the needs to the citizens that will transit the preposterous thoughts into peace and result in a serene life. To conclude, this essay discussed why it is totally irrelevant that vanishing the liquor factories would not be the disposal of offences. To infer, I'm convinced that the government and commercial trades should be cooperating to take some necessary steps to constitute the working environment for jobless people.
Nowadays crime rate is increasing
vulnerably
all over the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it is a catalyst of addiction towards liquor. This essay will discuss that why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
prohibition of alcohol cannot lessen the
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, banning the alcohol is not an appropriate way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the crime.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it will create chaos among the Christian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they consume wine for their religious purpose and it is legal for their religion. And
also
, this process cannot alter the mindset of criminals.
For example
South Korea is a country which had
been sealed
the wine factories that returned into a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
jobless.
In addition
, these alcoholic factories advocating the
Did you mean "economic" (=connected with economy)?
economical
development of a country. These few instances can bolster the existing concept that alone the restriction in wine consumption would have a deplorable impact on the country's economy that means to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
fuel to fire.

However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should be more fastidious about the
Possible spelling mistake found.
legislations
and
also
required to be balloon the job vacancy.
First
and foremost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are forced
to involve in violence due to the lack of job opportunities.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might feel depressed whenever they can't find an appropriate job, even after completing the graduation, that put them in pressure and create the frustration to involve themselves in terrorism.
For instance
, Israel is the state, where terrorism increasing
drastically
due to the inevitable of prosperity in their lifestyles and the fragile laws.
In brief
, if the country’s administration goes through the proper way to ensure the safety and provide all the needs to the citizens that will transit the preposterous thoughts into peace and result in a serene life.

To conclude
, this essay discussed why it is
totally
irrelevant that vanishing the liquor factories would not be the disposal of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
. To infer, I'm convinced that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and commercial trades should be cooperating to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
necessary steps to constitute the working environment for jobless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Many crimes are often related to the consumption of alcohol. Some people think that the best way to reduce the crime rate is to ban alcohol. Do you think this is an effective measure against crime? What other solutions can you suggest? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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