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Many countries spend a lot of money in art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say money is better spent on improving health and education. v.2

Many countries spend a lot of money in art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say money is better spent on improving health and education. v. 2
While art, history, tradition and culture represent a country, proper healthcare and education facilities are the two most important pillars of a nation. Thus people are often divided on their opinion whether spending money on art or in education and health system is more effective. Personally, I believe that education and healthcare sectors should get more priority while a large portion of the budget should also be dedicated to the development of art. People who advocate art often opine that a government should always invest a large amount of money for art and they have their own reasons. They believe that art is also a part of our education, tradition and heritage. It is an important sector and thus should always get priority. They often speak about the renaissance and try to focus how art has contributed to the revolution. They feel that a great portion of the budget should always be reserved for the development of art. On the contrary, another group of people feel that, when a government fails to ensure proper education and healthcare facilities, it actually will have a little contribution towards the development of art. For instance, if a person has got only a few dollars and he is hungry or ill, he will not purchase an artwork. It is quite natural that we should first make sure that we have foods to eat or medicine to treat us when we are ill and only then we will purchase artworks to decorate our home.   If we do not have a place to live in or food to eat, purchasing and owning a great artwork is not realistic. Similarly, a government should first focus on education and healthcare sectors and then develop the art. Again, there is a very little value of art and similar creative works for a nation that has few literate people. Thus if a country already has a quite strong education and healthcare facility, it can then allocate a large budget for the development of art. For countries that do not have many medical colleges, should not spend more on establishing art colleges. In summary, I personally believe that allocating money to different sectors in a country should be done based on the economic, social and political conditions of a country. However, with the limited amount of budget healthcare and education should always be the priority while a portion of the budget for art is also important.
While
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art
, history, tradition and culture represent a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, proper healthcare and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
facilities are the two most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
pillars of a nation.
Thus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
divided on their opinion whether spending money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
or in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and health system is more effective.
Personally
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and healthcare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more priority while a large portion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
should
also
be dedicated
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of art.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who advocate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
opine that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should always invest a large amount of money for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
art and
they have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons. They believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
also
a part of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, tradition and heritage. It is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
and
thus
should always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
priority. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
speak about the renaissance and try to focus how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
has contributed to the revolution. They feel that a great portion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
should always
be reserved
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of art.

On the contrary
, another group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that, when a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
fails to ensure proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and healthcare facilities, it actually will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
contribution towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
For instance
, if a person has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
dollars and
he is hungry or ill, he will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
an artwork. It is quite natural that we should
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that we have foods to eat or medicine to treat us when we are ill and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
then we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
artworks to decorate our home.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
If we do not have a place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in or food to eat, purchasing and owning a great artwork is not realistic.
Similarly
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
first
focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and healthcare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
and then develop the art.

Again, there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and similar creative works for a nation that has few literate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
already has a quite strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and healthcare facility, it can then allocate a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
medical colleges, should not spend more on establishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
colleges.

In summary, I
personally
believe that allocating money to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should
be done
based on the economic, social and political conditions of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
However
, with the limited amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
healthcare and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
should always be the priority while a portion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many countries spend a lot of money in art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say money is better spent on improving health and education. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
406 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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