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Many countries are spending a huge amount of money on supporting their competitors to take part in some worldwide competitions. Other argue that it would be better if these countries can spend money on the children to take part in sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Many countries are spending a huge amount of money on supporting their competitors to take part in some worldwide competitions. Other argue that it would be better if these countries can spend money on the children to take part in sports. v. 1
Stepping into the 21st century, the governments are investing a great deal of money for their competitors to participate in global competitions. One can subscribe to a paradox is the authorities should spend money on the children to join in sports. I concur with the idea that there will be a host of benefits of countries focus on children to join in sports. First of all, spending money on children will be a facilitator of training successful athletes in the future. It is evident that if children are trained at the early age, they will show up their talents and get competitive experiences before taking global competitions. For instance, Anh Vien, who was a swimmer competitor at the Olympics, spent her childhood on practicing swimming with national tutors. As a result, she achieved the gold medal in her main field for her country, Vietnam. Apart from it, financial support on children is the main contributor to the extent of the country’s sports. If the children have the opportunities to take part in sports, the home country sport background will be extended. Therefore, the number of children who participate in sport will see an increase due to the support from governments. In the light of these facts, I nurture the opinion that investing money should be spent on children to play sports owing to the fact that this will bring about many advantages for those countries. If nations merely focus on competitors who are currently playing their parts in worldwide games, the number of people who can take part in sports will alleviate at certain times because of the lack of athletes.
Stepping into the 21st century, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
are investing a great deal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their competitors to participate in global competitions. One can subscribe to a paradox is the authorities should spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. I concur with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that there will be a host of benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in sports.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will be a facilitator of training successful athletes in the future. It is evident that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are trained
at the early age, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
up their talents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
competitive experiences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
taking global competitions.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Anh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vien
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
was a swimmer competitor at the Olympics, spent her childhood on practicing swimming with national tutors.
As a result
, she achieved the gold medal in her main field for her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, Vietnam.

Apart from it, financial support on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is the main contributor to the extent of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have the opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, the home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
background will
be extended
.
Therefore
, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
an increase due to the support from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.

In the light of these facts, I nurture the opinion that investing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should
be spent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
owing to the fact that this will bring about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. If nations
merely
focus on competitors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
currently
playing their parts in worldwide games, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will alleviate at certain times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lack of athletes.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many countries are spending a huge amount of money on supporting their competitors to take part in some worldwide competitions. Other argue that it would be better if these countries can spend money on the children to take part in sports. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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