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Governments should spend more money supporting the arts than supporting athletics such as an Olympic team. v.2

Governments should spend more money supporting the arts than supporting athletics such as an Olympic team. v. 2
Art and athletic are two significant issues in the society that always cause controversial debates among academicians. One prominent question that raised in this regard is that which of these should take the first priority for the governments. Some people think that art should be supported more because artists can have an influence on people and make them inspired and happy. But I hold the opposite perspective because of some pivotal reasons that sport. The ensuing paragraphs will illustrate my points of view. The first and most important reason, the sport is one of the notable factors that caused to have a healthier society. Indeed this policy that athletic takes the first priority will persuade people and especially children to pay attention to the sport. As a result, most of the people will spend more time on sport or on the other hand they will meet the opportunity for their children to do sport. Nowadays the societies have been faced with lots of diseases originating from fat and lack of sports due to the method of modern life. Obviously, the more ones do sports, a healthier body he or she has. Secondly, not only does sport make a healthier body but also it is quite beneficial for mind and spirit. As sport can help one to release stress and in modern era stress is a considerable problem that has deleterious effects on one’s life. Take a personal example as an example, I used to have lots of stress before special events in my life like exams or job interview but I learned to go for a run in the days that I have lots of stress. It markedly improved my stress management. In brief, both athletic and art have considerable effects on society. In my point of view, athletic should take the first priority because it spread the culture of sport and sport has remarkable influences on health and stress management. I prefer to have regular sport in my daily.
Art and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletic
are two significant issues in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
that always cause controversial debates among academicians. One prominent question that raised in this regard is that which of these should take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
priority for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that art should
be supported
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
artists can have an influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them inspired and happy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I hold the opposite perspective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pivotal reasons that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. The ensuing paragraphs will illustrate my points of view.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
and most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is one of the notable factors that caused to have a healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Indeed
this policy that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletic
takes the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
priority will persuade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
especially
children to pay attention to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
As a result
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will spend more time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
or
on the other hand
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the opportunity for their children to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. Nowadays the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
have
been faced
with lots of diseases originating from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
due to the method of modern life.
Obviously
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, a healthier body he or she has.

Secondly
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a healthier body
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it is quite beneficial for mind and spirit. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
one to release
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
and in modern era
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
is a considerable problem that has deleterious effects on one’s life. Take a personal example as an example, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
special
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in my life like exams or job interview
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I learned to go for a run in the days that I have lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
. It
markedly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
management.

In brief
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletic
and art have considerable effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. In my point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletic
should take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
priority
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it spread the culture of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
has remarkable influences on health and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
management. I prefer to have regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
in my daily.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Governments should spend more money supporting the arts than supporting athletics such as an Olympic team. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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