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Many countries are experiencing population growth and need more homes. Should these new homes be built in existing cities or should new towns be built in the countryside? v.3

Many countries are experiencing population growth and need more homes. Should these new homes be built in existing cities or should new towns be built in the countryside? v. 3
There have always been differences in the types of work men and women have done. However, the trend in modern times has been for both men and women to have greater freedom of choice in terms of employment. Some people might say that there is no need to go further. However, in my view, wherever possible, gender equality should be encouraged. There may indeed be good arguments for allowing certain posts to remain predominantly male or female. Where all-male or all-female groups exist, there may be a need for related posts to be held by men and women respectively. Patients in all-female hospital wards for example, would probably appreciate having female nurses to look after them. It could also be argued that certain jobs requiring a great deal of physical strength, coal mining or logging, for example, should continue to be done mainly by men. However, in the vast majority of situations, making occupations more open to both genders has distinct advantages. Men and women can bring slightly different perspectives and approaches to a job. Female police officers, for example, may have a greater understanding of domestic violence and a better range of strategies for dealing with this problem. Male primary school teachers probably have a better understanding of the needs of young boys and can serve as good role models for them. The changes that result from allowing men into female-dominated occupations and vice versa may be subtle, but they are far-reaching. However, to benefit the most from this development, it is important not to expect males and females to approach work in identical ways.
There have always been differences in the types of work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have done.
However
, the trend in modern times has been for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to have greater freedom of choice in terms of employment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might say that there is no need to go
further
.
However
, in my view, wherever possible, gender equality should
be encouraged
.

There may
indeed
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
arguments for allowing certain posts to remain
predominantly
male or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
. Where all-male or all-female groups exist, there may be a need for related posts to
be held
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
respectively
. Patients in all-female hospital wards
for example
, would
probably
appreciate having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
nurses to look after them. It could
also
be argued
that certain jobs requiring a great deal of physical strength, coal mining or logging,
for example
, should continue to
be done
mainly
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

However
, in the vast majority of situations, making occupations more open to both genders has distinct advantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can bring
slightly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives and approaches to a job.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Female
police officers,
for example
, may have a greater understanding of domestic violence and a better range of strategies for dealing with this problem. Male primary school teachers
probably
have a better understanding of the needs of young boys and can serve as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
role models for them.

The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
that result from allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
into female-dominated occupations and vice versa may be subtle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are far-reaching.
However
, to benefit the most from this development, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
males and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
to approach work in identical ways.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many countries are experiencing population growth and need more homes. Should these new homes be built in existing cities or should new towns be built in the countryside? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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