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The students discuss the man's options. Discuss which of the options you prefer and why? v.1

The students discuss the man's options. Discuss which of the options you prefer and why? v. 1
Education is a crucial thing in life for everyone regardless of age, gender and race. However, there are countries who practice a gap year for students to work or travel after secondary school and before entering tertiary education. There are pros and cons for these young people, but personally, I think that it is unnecessary to have a gap year between those periods, but it would make more sense if it is during university degree. To begin with, the benefit of having a year off between your between finishing high school and starting university studies is that the students are able to gain work experience. Many conclude that most graduates do not have enough soft skills to adapt in the working world due to lack of experience. Hence, this one-year time will help them to acquire some skills and practical knowledge. Apart from that, some prefer to travel so that they could have a clearer vision about their chosen degree course so that they will not regret when the time comes. Nevertheless, these young people are wasting their time and especially at their age, their only commitment is to pursue education. For instance, going on trips for a year is a bit far too long just to have a better preparation. There are many cases where people end up in different jobs from their courses because sometimes it depends on the market but opportunities are always there. Furthermore, work experience is unreliable when they are 18 years old. If you apply for an accountant job and having a retail job history might not be sufficient enough. To summarise, I suppose that taking a break is not really a good choice. Instead, universities should train the students about soft skills to prepare them for work life.
Education is a crucial thing in life for everyone regardless of age, gender and race.
However
, there are countries who practice a gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
for students to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or travel after secondary school and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering tertiary education. There are pros and cons for these young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is unnecessary to have a gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
between those periods,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more sense if it is during university degree.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the benefit of having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
off between your between finishing high school and starting university studies is that the students are able to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
conclude that most graduates do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to adapt in the working world due to lack of experience.
Hence
, this one-year time will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to acquire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and practical knowledge. Apart from that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
prefer to travel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could have a clearer vision about their chosen degree course
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will not regret when the time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
.

Nevertheless
, these young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are wasting their time and
especially
at their age, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
commitment is to pursue education.
For instance
, going on trips for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
is a bit far too long
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to have a better preparation. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
jobs from their courses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it depends on the market
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
opportunities are always there.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience is unreliable when they are 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. If you apply for an accountant job and having a retail job history might not be sufficient
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, I suppose that taking a break is not
really
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
choice.
Instead
, universities should train the students about soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to prepare them for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay The students discuss the man's options. Discuss which of the options you prefer and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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