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Many cities suffer from traffic-related problems. What problems does traffic cause in cities and what are the possible solutions? v.1

Many cities suffer from traffic-related problems. What problems does traffic cause in cities and what are the possible solutions? v. 1
These days, it is believed that elderly people should be allowed to do their paid-works because of a significant rise in their longevity. However, I completely disagree with this idea. At the outset, proponents of employment in later years assert that owing to the vast experience of older people, they could be beneficial for their employers. It is because they can handle various work situations in a better manner due to their better communication skills, ability to handle large teams and higher tolerance power. Nonetheless, it is witnessed that no matter how much experience they could not carry on work assignments, which demand physical and mental efforts. It might be because of their fragile bodies that are unable to handle stress at workplaces. In contrast, I believe, enthusiastic younger employees can meet the demands of the work easily that requires consistent and persistent efforts. Moving on, from my perspective, hiring young people could address social problems such and unemployment. In modern times the occurrence of brain drain stems from the declining number of job opportunities, especially in the developing countries where governments have been constantly failing to provide better employment conditions for young professionals. For instance, every year, numerous youths are migrating from the second world nations to elite countries. From an economic perspective, a higher amount of money is required for the salaries in the case of the elder workforce. In many countries, it is a common trend to provide wages in accordance with experience levels. In other words, experienced employees more likely to put a toll on their employee's pockets. Nevertheless, companies cloud employ more young people at the same salary given to a senior worker. So, along with new employees, the companies themselves would be better off by saving huge expenses. In conclusion, all the people support the nation that elder people must continue their work even in their later years because they are now living a longer life, unemployment and financial tolls on companies are two main reasons for my disagreement.
These days, it
is believed
that elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to do their paid-works
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a significant rise in their longevity.
However
, I completely disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

At the outset, proponents of employment in later years assert that owing to the vast experience of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they could be beneficial for their employers. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can handle various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
situations in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
manner due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, ability to handle large teams and higher tolerance power. Nonetheless, it
is witnessed
that no matter how much experience they could not carry on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
assignments, which demand physical and mental efforts. It might be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their fragile bodies that are unable to handle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
at workplaces.
In contrast
, I believe, enthusiastic younger employees can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the demands of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
easily
that requires consistent and persistent efforts.

Moving on, from my perspective, hiring young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could address social problems such and unemployment. In modern times the occurrence of brain drain stems from the declining number of job opportunities,
especially
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
have been
constantly
failing to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
employment conditions for young professionals.
For instance
, every year, numerous youths are migrating from the second world nations to elite countries. From an economic perspective, a higher amount of money
is required
for the salaries in the case of the elder workforce. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, it is a common trend to provide wages in accordance with experience levels.
In other words
, experienced employees more likely to put a toll on their employee's pockets.
Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
cloud employ more young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at the same salary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to a senior worker.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, along with new employees, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
themselves would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
off by saving huge expenses.

In conclusion
, all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
support the nation that elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
continue their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
even in their later years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
living a longer life, unemployment and financial tolls on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are two main reasons for my disagreement.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many cities suffer from traffic-related problems. What problems does traffic cause in cities and what are the possible solutions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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