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Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. v. 5
From the time being, unhealthy habit of children is tough tasks for both schools and parents. However, this negative lifestyle is also cause by other sides. In my view, I partly agree with this statement and I will give my reasons. On the one hand, responsible of the schools and parents lead to how the youngsters behave. Firstly, the schools should create more physical clubs for the children such as like football or volleyball team. This is because they can develop the physical health due to exercise. In particular, they can avoid gluing their eyes to the screen all days without studying. Secondly, attention should be paid more to the children by their parents. Parents must not allow their kids eat too much junk foods because it cause many negative consequences. Youngster should be given a rule of using advance technologies in specific of time. On the other hand, sedentary lifestyle of pupils is caused by many aspects. The main reason is that their awareness have a hug e impact on their lifestyles. They have enough knowledge to tell apart good and bad habits. For example, they can choose to play tranditional games instead of staying indoor all the time. Besides, the government play important role to form their lifestyle. Local authorities shoud creat social activities the children during the summer time for the children. Therefore, they can have more chance to take up a new interest and creat new habit. In conclusion, while parents and schools play a important role to develop children’s habits, I believe that they can form a good lifestyle by their own due to their ability and knowledge.
From the time being, unhealthy habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is tough tasks for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
However
, this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
is
also
Consider using a past participle here: "caused".
cause
by other sides. In my view, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and I will give my reasons.

On the one hand,
The usual collocations for "responsible" is "responsible for". Did you mean "responsible for" or "in charge of"?
responsible of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
lead to how the youngsters behave.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should create more physical clubs for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
such as like football or volleyball team. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can develop the physical health due to exercise.
In particular
, they can avoid gluing their eyes to the screen all days without studying.
Secondly
, attention should
be paid
more to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their kids eat too much junk foods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
Did you mean "causes"?
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences. Youngster should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
of using advance technologies in specific of time.

On the other hand
, sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
of pupils
is caused
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects. The main reason is that their awareness have a hug e impact on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
. They have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
apart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits.
For example
, they can choose to play
Possible spelling mistake found.
tranditional
games
instead
of staying indoor all the time.
Besides
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to form their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
. Local authorities
Possible spelling mistake found.
shoud
Possible spelling mistake found.
creat
social activities the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
during the
Consider using "summer".
summer time
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, they can have more chance to take up a new interest and
Possible spelling mistake found.
creat
new habit.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
play
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
habits, I believe that they can form a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
due to their ability and knowledge.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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