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Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both parents and schools are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.3

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both parents and schools are responsible for solving this problem. v. 3
Nowadays, children have adopted an unhealthy lifestyle. Even though children are more likely to ruin their health by eating unhealthy foods and not taking exercise. At my point both families and schools take particular responsibility and they can do ranges of things in this case. In these days most of parents are so busy and they can't put lots of time to supervision on their children. So they prefer to give their children money to buy food as their meal. As a result, children can buy whatever they like without any disagreement from their parents. In this case parents are responsible to make sure their children eat healthy food. One of the solution is to pack a lunch box for them. On the other hand, children take most of their life at schools. In this point, schools are responsible to have awareness of what children eat and what they do in their free hours. Another factor that has remarkable effect on Children's lifestyle is addicting to unhealthy entertainment. Like over using cell phone, watching too much television, playing video games and not taking exercise. At this time children are responsible about their habits and they should try to break these kinds of habits and replace them with healthy and good habits. Like taking sport classes and having a balance diet. Generally, in my opinion, about children's lifestyle, both parents and schools have responsibility for it. Although the children they have to consider the consequences of their bad habits and try to break them.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have adopted an unhealthy lifestyle.
Even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more likely to ruin their health by eating unhealthy foods and not taking exercise. At my point both families and schools take particular
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
responsibility and
they can do ranges of things
in this case
.

In these days
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the parents") or simply say "most parents".
most of parents
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
busy and
they can't put lots of time to supervision on their children.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they prefer to give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
food as their meal.

As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
whatever they like without any disagreement from their parents.

In this case
parents are responsible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
eat healthy food. One of the solution is to pack a lunch box for them.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
take most of their life at schools.

In this point, schools are responsible to have awareness of what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
eat and what they do in their free hours.

Another factor that has remarkable effect on Children's lifestyle is addicting to unhealthy entertainment. Like over using cell phone, watching too much television, playing video games and not taking exercise.

At this time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are responsible about their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
habits and
they should try to break these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
and replace them with healthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
. Like taking sport classes and having a balance diet.

Generally
, in my opinion, about children's lifestyle, both parents and schools have responsibility for it. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
consider the consequences of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
and try to break them.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both parents and schools are responsible for solving this problem. v. 3

Essay
  American English
10 paragraphs
253 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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