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As a country develops, people tend to buy more cars. Do the advantages for the individual outweigh the disadvantages for the environment? v.1

As a country develops, people tend to buy more cars. Do the advantages for the individual outweigh the disadvantages for the environment? v. 1
It is undeniable that as a country advances, the tendency of fulfilling tertiary needs such as vehicles is becoming a trend in the society. Presumably owning car benefits individuals in some ways, however, I believe that the detrimental effect to the environment caused by the outnumbered cars is far greater due to the pollution and traffic congestion. In point of fact, the increasing numbers of cars results in a serious environmental waste. Without a doubt, four-wheeled vehicles consume a huge amount of fuel and produce an even bigger amount of poisonous gasses which pollute the earth’s atmosphere leading to actual harm to the health of people. Besides, the noise coming from car honks and the sound of machines brings about various health and psychological detriments on people. Further, those two phenomena are noticeably exemplified in the way people choose to live far away from the city centre to avoid polluted air and disturbing sound. Alongside the impacts of air and noise pollution, the escalating use of cars emanates traffic congestion issuing lost economic efficiency and social harmony in the environment. Traffic jam which is caused mainly by car drivers lengthens trip times as well as slow down the vehicle speed. The long duration wastes more emissions, the vehicle maintenance cost, and also rises public transportation fare. Socially, the consequence of traffic congestion is stressful condition when the traffic becomes busier and more crowded, and the hostile behaviour may emerge when the drivers compete to advance their cars ahead of the others in the traffic stream. Automobiles may have made personal lives more convenient by facilitating people move freely or do not need to wait long for the mass transit, notwithstanding, we are faced with more severe adverse environmental issues caused by pollution and congestion the cars bring, and those are more bewildering than individual benefits.
It is undeniable that as a country advances, the tendency of fulfilling tertiary needs such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
is becoming a trend in the society. Presumably owning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
benefits individuals in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways,
however
, I believe that the detrimental effect to the environment caused by the outnumbered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
is far greater due to the pollution and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestion.

In point of fact, the increasing numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
results in a serious environmental waste. Without a doubt, four-wheeled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
consume a huge amount of fuel and produce an even bigger amount of poisonous gasses which pollute the earth’s atmosphere leading to actual harm to the health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Besides
, the noise coming from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
honks and the sound of machines brings about various health and psychological detriments on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Further
, those two phenomena are
noticeably
exemplified in the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
far away from the city
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
to avoid polluted air and disturbing sound.

Alongside the impacts of air and noise pollution, the escalating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
emanates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestion issuing lost economic efficiency and social harmony in the environment.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Traffic
jam which
is caused
mainly
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
drivers lengthens trip times
as well
as slow down the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicle
speed. The long duration wastes more emissions, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicle
maintenance cost, and
also
rises public transportation fare.
Socially
, the consequence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestion is stressful condition when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
becomes busier and more crowded, and the hostile
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
may emerge when the drivers compete to advance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
ahead of the others in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
stream.

Automobiles may have made personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
more convenient by facilitating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
freely
or do not need to wait long for the mass transit, notwithstanding, we
are faced
with more severe adverse environmental issues caused by pollution and congestion the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
bring, and those are more bewildering than individual benefits.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS essay As a country develops, people tend to buy more cars. Do the advantages for the individual outweigh the disadvantages for the environment? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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