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many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time. v.3

Encouraging children to do part time job during their leisure time is becoming nowadays. Even though it helps to develop the habit of hardworking and confidence in children, it has some drawbacks as well. Firstly, part time jobs will help the children to understand and experience the difficulties and hardships parents face during their everyday day life to raise them. This will surely enable them to appreciate the hard work of their parents and children will try to share some of the responsibilities. They will understand the need for sharing and caring. Working in a team will help children understand the importance of interdependence and accepting the peers. A part time job also gives them a taste of their future life and will help them to organuze their life in a disciplined manner and teach them how to balance personal life and work On the other hand, non availability of free time will affect the mental and physical development of children. They will be forced to go to work after school hours and the valuable time they get to play and remould their fine motor skills will be reduced. The chance to earn money at a young age will also result in social and moral issues among children. Since they don’t know how to manage the financial matters, they will utilize it for anti social activities such as smoking, alcohol consumption. The part time job will also reduce their opportunities to interact with their peers of same age. In conclusion, even though a part time job is beneficial for nurturing in children qualities like interdependence, self confidence and courage to face real life situations, it may affect the mental and physical development of children. The knowledge and enthusiasm they get while reading stories and interacting with peers should not be compromised for other things.
Encouraging
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children
to do
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part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
during their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is becoming nowadays.
Even though
it
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helps
to develop the habit of hardworking and confidence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks
as well
.

Firstly
,
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part
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time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to understand and experience the difficulties and hardships parents face during their everyday day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to raise them. This will
surely
enable them to appreciate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work of their parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will try to share
If the text is a generality, ‘of the’ is not necessary.
some of the
responsibilities. They will understand the need for sharing and caring. Working in a team will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
understand the importance of interdependence and accepting the peers. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
also
gives them a taste of their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to
Possible spelling mistake found.
organuze
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in a disciplined manner and teach them how to balance personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph.
work


On the other hand
,
This expression is normally spelled as one or with a hyphen.
non availability
of free
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time
will affect the mental and physical development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They will
be forced
to go to work after school hours and the valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to play and
Possible spelling mistake found.
remould
their fine motor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
. The chance to earn money at a young age will
also
result in social and moral issues among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Since they don’t know how to manage the financial matters, they will utilize it for
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
anti social
activities such as smoking, alcohol consumption. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their opportunities to interact with their peers of same age.

In conclusion
,
even though
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is beneficial for nurturing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
qualities like interdependence,
This word is normally spelled with a hyphen.
self confidence
and courage to face real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
situations, it may affect the mental and physical development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The knowledge and enthusiasm they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
while reading stories and interacting with peers should not
be compromised
for other things.
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IELTS essay Many Children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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