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Many animals are being hunted to the brink of extinction in order to fulfill the demand and greed of mankind for decorative purposes as well as for other reasons, such as traditional medicine. How can this issue be tackled? v.2

Many animals are being hunted to the brink of extinction in order to fulfill the demand and greed of mankind for decorative purposes as well as for other reasons, such as traditional medicine. How can this issue be tackled? v. 2
Human life is dependent on the animals. But, human beings have put many animal species in danger of becoming extinct with the unchecked and extensive hunting for its selfish motives such as house decorations, pleasure etc. It is very important to protect the animals and some measures for this cause must be taken. To commence with, the population of the world is increasing and to meet the housing and food demands, more and more forests are being cut. This leads to the loss of the natural habitat of animals, which endangers them. The wildlife plays an important role in the food chain. If any element of the chain is lost, then the existence of elements is endangered as well. For example, honey bees help in cross pollination, which is necessary for the growth of the crops. To protect the animals, multiple steps can be taken. Firstly, the government must educate its people and explain the importance of animals for the existence of human life. This way the community will value them. In addition to this, animals are killed for the ornaments, decorative pieces of art, medicines etc. As an example, elephants are trapped and hunted for their tusks. Therefore, it is very important to save the animals from the brutality. The administration must make stringent laws to punish the people who commit the crime of illegal hunting. Furthermore, it must define the minimum forest cover as well, so that no builder tries to cut the forest to build residential or commercial buildings. For instance, in Coorg, the council has marked the areas to protect the existing forests and the natural habitat of elephants. To conclude, humans are dependent on the animals for food, leisure and money. Hence, we all must collectively take steps to protect them from extinction. There should be awareness in the community and strict laws to punish the ones who go against the law.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Human
life is dependent on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings have put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of becoming extinct with the unchecked and extensive hunting for its selfish motives such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
decorations, pleasure etc. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protect
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures for this cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
.

To commence with, the population of the world is increasing and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the housing and food demands, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forests
are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
. This leads to the loss of the natural habitat of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
, which endangers them. The wildlife plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the food chain. If any element of the chain
is lost
, then the existence of elements
is endangered
as well
.
For example
, honey bees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in cross pollination, which is necessary for the growth of the crops. To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protect
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
, multiple steps can
be taken
.
Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
educate its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
for the existence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
life. This way the community will value them.

In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are killed
for the ornaments, decorative pieces of art, medicines etc. As an example, elephants
are trapped
and hunted for their tusks.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to save the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
from the brutality. The administration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
stringent laws to punish the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who commit the crime of illegal hunting.
Furthermore
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
define the minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forest
cover
as well
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that no builder tries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forest
to build residential or commercial buildings.
For instance
, in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Coorg
, the council has marked the areas to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protect
the existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forests
and the natural habitat of elephants.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
are dependent on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
for food, leisure and money.
Hence
, we all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
collectively
take steps to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protect
them from extinction. There should be awareness in the community and strict laws to punish the ones who go against the law.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Many animals are being hunted to the brink of extinction in order to fulfill the demand and greed of mankind for decorative purposes as well as for other reasons, such as traditional medicine. How can this issue be tackled? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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