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many animals are becoming extint because of human activities. why is this happening and what should be done. v.2

many animals are becoming extint because of human activities. why is this happening and what should be done. v. 2
Some people insist that money should be spent to construct new buildings instead of maintaining obsolete ones. However, I object to the idea that people would be better off if they abolish old buildings and build new ones. The next reasons will be sufficient to support my object to the idea. First of all, there are many memorable buildings closely correlated with people’s lives that money cannot compensate the value of them. Generally, these buildings have many meanings to people in various aspects. For example, in my village, there is a house aged for 100 years. Most people who have grown up in my village have unforgettable memories with the building. The house was main playground for me and my friends, when we are children. If the house should be destroyed because of financial issue, it will be not only the disappearance of one old house but the eradication of our valuable memories. Secondly, some buildings are playing a key role in educating people about historical fact. If we just remove these buildings owing to the cost of sustaining the buildings, it is tantamount to an erroneous belief that anything is not profitable any more deserves to be abandoned regardless of their intangible values. Thus, people need to recognize those buildings’ hidden value and think about how to fully utilize these precious assets people inherited from their ancestors. If not so, people will end up with facing the circumstance that there is nothing left to leave our next generation to come. In conclusion, as we have seen above, those old buildings are still meaningful people's lives as well as educational purpose. Therefore, people should be encouraged to preserve our historical and meaningful building.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
insist that money should
be spent
to construct new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
instead
of maintaining obsolete ones.
However
, I object to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be better off if they abolish
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
and build new ones. The
next
reasons will be sufficient to support my object to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
memorable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
closely
correlated with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
that money cannot compensate the value of them.
Generally
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
meanings to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in various aspects.
For example
, in my village, there is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
aged for 100 years. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have grown up in my village have unforgettable memories with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
was main playground for me and my friends, when we are children. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of financial issue, it will be not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the disappearance of one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the eradication of our valuable memories.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
are playing a key role in educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about historical fact. If we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
remove these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
owing to the cost of sustaining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
, it is tantamount to an erroneous belief that anything is not profitable
Did you mean the adverb "anymore"?
any more
deserves to
be abandoned
regardless of their intangible values.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to recognize those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings’
hidden value and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about how to
fully
utilize these precious assets
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
inherited from their ancestors. If not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with facing the circumstance that there is nothing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
our
next
generation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
.

In conclusion
, as we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
above, those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
are
still
meaningful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as well
as educational purpose.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be encouraged
to preserve our historical and meaningful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay many animals are becoming extint because of human activities. why is this happening and what should be done. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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