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Many academies now offer academic courses over the internet. However some people still prefer learning in traditional classrooms. Which do you think is better? Explain why. v.1

Many academies now offer academic courses over the internet. However some people still prefer learning in traditional classrooms. Which do you think is better? Explain why. v. 1
It is true that some of the ways in which many companies now market their products and services are simply questionable and wrong. I completely agree with this view because, some of these methods invade people's privacy and promote negative habits. The majority of firms have access to people's private information which is morally wrong. Online social media platforms usually request for their user's personal data before creating a profile, and also have data regarding personal preferences and likes of an individual. A large number of advert companies make deals with these internet platform and share peoples secret information. With this information, unwanted adverts could appear on peoples screen in order to make them buy want they never wanted to purchase at that moment. For example, Facebook has been reported to display adverts which are targeted at specific individuals based on their user's previous likes. Another reason why I share the opinion of people who believe that some advertisement methods are wrong is that some of these adverts promote bad habits. In our society today, there are a variety of adverts promoting alcohol, cigarettes and junk food. There adverts are designed by marketing professionals to target an innocent consumer. Furthermore, because most of the companies producing these products are profit driven, they usually fail to clearly state the adverse effects of their products. For instance, aggressive adverts places on beer and vodka usually fail to include that excessive consumption could damage one's liver. In conclusion, I agree that some of the methods employed in marketing several products are not right, because some of the techniques invade people's privacy and contribute to bad social habits in the society.
It is true that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
ways in which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
market their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and services are
simply
questionable and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these methods invade
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's privacy and promote
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
habits.

The majority of firms have access to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's private information which is
morally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. Online social media platforms
usually
request for their user's personal data
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
creating a profile, and
also
have data regarding personal preferences and likes of an individual.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
advert
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
deals with
Did you mean "this internet" or ""?
these internet
platform and share peoples secret information. With this information, unwanted adverts could appear on peoples screen in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
want they never wanted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
at that moment.
For example
, Facebook has
been reported
to display adverts which
are targeted
at specific individuals based on their user's previous likes.

Another reason why I share the opinion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advertisement methods are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these adverts promote
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits. In our society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, there are a variety of adverts promoting alcohol, cigarettes and junk food. There adverts
are designed
by marketing professionals to target an innocent consumer.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
producing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are profit driven, they
usually
fail to
clearly
state the adverse effects of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
For instance
, aggressive adverts places on beer and vodka
usually
fail to include that excessive consumption could damage one's liver.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
methods employed in marketing several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are not right,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
techniques invade
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's privacy and contribute to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
social habits in the society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many academies now offer academic courses over the internet. However some people still prefer learning in traditional classrooms. Which do you think is better? Explain why. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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