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Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make? v.7

Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make? v. 7
People have different views about how government should spend its money. While some people are in favor of building huge, stunning buildings, others feel that improving schools and public services are crucial to spending money. In my opinion, all of these points are required to spend money effectively. I will discuss both views below. Firstly, It is undoubtedly true that the government should spend money on developing public schools and health centres. Because health workers such as doctors, nurses and surgeons are always working for our health so they deserve to work in the best conditions. Furthermore, health is our one of the most important asset in this world as a consequence we must spend as much money on it as necessary. Secondly, improving educational institutions has many advantages for students. If they improve schools, it would give students the opportunity to improve themselves. For instance, schools in developed countries constantly organize event for students so that they could expand their horizons. On the other hand, building enormous buildings can also provide more space for country. For example, it should be noted that recent studies by the CNN show that Tokyo is one of the most important financial centres in the world. This may be due to the various aspects of building more properties. If the buildings are high, there will be more space. Likewise, workers would work harder and the countries welfare will definetely increase. To sum up, it is important to spend on sectors like education, healthcare, and infrastructure. This, however, does not mean that to spend money on impressive buildings can be neglected.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are in favor of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
huge, stunning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
, others feel that improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and public services are crucial to spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. In my opinion, all of these points
are required
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
effectively
. I will discuss both views below.

Firstly
, It is
undoubtedly
true that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on developing public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
workers such as doctors, nurses and surgeons are always working for our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they deserve to work in the best conditions.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is our one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
Please check whether a plural form of 'asset' should be used.
asset
in this world as a consequence we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
as much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on it as necessary.
Secondly
, improving educational institutions has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for students. If they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, it would give students the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
themselves.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
constantly
organize
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
for students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could expand their horizons.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
enormous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
can
also
provide more space for country.
For example
, it should
be noted
that recent studies by the CNN
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that Tokyo is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
financial
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
in the world. This may be due to the various aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
more properties. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
are high, there will be more space.
Likewise
, workers would work harder and the countries welfare will
Possible spelling mistake found.
definetely
increase.

To sum up, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
on sectors like education, healthcare, and infrastructure. This,
however
, does not mean that to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on impressive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
can
be neglected
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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